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December 17, 2022

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TW: Suicide

There have been so many times I have wished for a different life. There have been roller coasters or nights I did not share, because the darkness was too hard to bear.

There have been days of a joy and love so profound, I could hardly believe that I ever wished to be dead.

I’ve dialed the number, I’ve counted out the pills, I have thought of a life for my family that wasn’t obscured by my horrible illness, and all that it takes away from their joy.

I thought it would be better for everyone if I was not here.

I was wrong. And the beauty I’ve seen since, from the ever present twinkle in Leo’s eyes to Pete’s love, to the girls and their laughter and wit…when I think of the dance parties that could’ve gone undanced and dark…It takes my breath away, knowing what I could have missed.

And yet I know now that no one who commits suicide believes they are doing a selfish act.

I don’t even believe it’s a conscious act. Because if you’re at that moment, your fear and your pain is driving the bus. There is not a single thought or prayer that could save you, except yourself.

I know now that my family would have done anything to keep me alive. And I know that I ultimately would have condemned them to a lifetime of pain if I left. But I also know that I couldn’t always see that truth.

For me it came down to one scene I could not shake: adult versions of Sadie, or Ad or Leo, at the doctors office, filling out a form on family history and having to note “aunt: suicide.” I couldn’t do it. I was lucky enough to be able to visualize that moment, because it kept me alive.

I’m so glad I stayed, I’m so glad I stayed, I’m so, so glad I stayed.

Please know you’re loved. Please know things get better. Please, please stay.

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