A Quick Note on Joy
People get so freaked out when they have the flu, or allergies or anything that makes them slightly uncomfortable for more than one solitary second. They flinch at flu shots and Covid vaccines, they put off lab work for years to avoid a tiny poke. I know kids who’ve been checking their own blood sugar via needle stick since they were two. I get so mad, thinking how quickly “these people” (healthy adults) fall apart over a fucking blister, or a red light being red too long.
I am not better, stronger, smarter, more beautiful having suffered. I’m not even sure if I’m a warrior. My suffering had no point, no reason. It makes no damn sense. It is not a gift.
But I will say this: I can handle a stubbed toe, a missed flight, chemotherapy. I can do a lot of different things that I only came to know by suffering. And one of them is this: Seek joy and do not think to analyze it. It will slip over your hands, under your wrists and through your fingers like water pouring from the tap. Pain is as common to me as joy and so I have learned to pay attention and seek joy.
Pay attention, seek joy. Pay attention, seek joy.
This past week I’ve had the flu, blisters all over my body, days sleeping till 6pm. And then I woke up and I felt anew, and I rearranged my space and finally got out of bed. For the first time since 2019, I spent more time out of bed than in. I designed a new space for me to eat, write and watch TV and it is NOT IN MY BED! And just this simple act of writing outside of bed brought me great joy. And I’m not going to ask why something so small is so big for me, cuz then I’ll spiral. I just want to say, there is joy in pain. There is joy everywhere.
Happy holidays, everyone. May your season be joyful. Thank you for reading/subscribing/buying me shit. Love most of you.