The Hustle Never Made Me Feel the Way I Wanted to Feel
I turned 41 this month, and as I reflected on all that has passed, I was reminded that how I have lived the first half of my life is not how I want to live this second half.
During the first half of my life, I believed it was better to measure my life by metrics 'out there' instead of values deeply held in my own soul and spirit.
I was working all the time, trying to prove myself. Because to be 'successful', you need grit, hard work, and hustle. You need to push and strive. Right?
But there came a point when I knew that something was missing. The hustle never made me feel the way I wanted to feel. No matter how much I did, it was never enough.
As a result, I was anxious all the time; I was missing moments with the people I love, and my body was screaming at me to rest.
After all, being productive, being 'successful', has its limits. We only have so much to give. So much energy. So much time.
I thought that the more I did, the better I could make things for my family. And yet, all they were left with was an exhausted, resentful version of me.
The person I was dragging back home, week after week, was a poor substitute for the wife and mother I wanted to be.
I had things all wrong.
I realised that if I work in such a way that I don’t have enough energy to give to my family, things really need to change.
Because what makes our lives meaningful is not what we accomplished. It's not in the metrics, in the likes, in the ego's version of 'success'.
Meaning is in the conversations with my boys on the school runs. It’s in the gratitudes we share each evening at the dinner table. It’s in the morning cuddles and cups of tea. That's where I have found meaning. As Shauna Niequist says,
“You will always regret something. You will always disappoint someone. But it isn’t going to be my husband and our boys. It has been, sometimes. But I’m learning. And I’m making things right.”
I couldn't have said it better myself!