December 2024
Right at the last minute, sneaking in one last newsletter for the year, yeehaw (picture me making finger guns as I say that)
First of all, I compiled most of my art from this year into two sketchbooks! They’re available on my itch account: https://kayzowl.itch.io/
They’re both hellaverse themed because that’s almost everything I did this year, separated into a safe-for-work and nsfw version. The hyperfixation bit me hard, but this is nothing new.
I also made a little indie horror game with some friends for Halloween, which you can find here: https://unicornergames.itch.io/room-to-linger
With the death of xitter and all the fandom drama in the spaces I’ve been in this year, I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship to fandom over the years and how it’s changed for me, but also how fandom spaces have changed in a more global sense. I think twitter (and some other social media, but my primary experience has been with twitter) in particular has had a lot of negative effects on how people talk to each other. Because dogpiling and targeted harassment have been such a prevalent issue, people get defensive very quickly and assume the worst out of comments because so often there are people trolling or ragebaiting for engagement, so we learn very reactive habits out of a need to protect ourselves. And it’s had consequences.
It’s so tempting to go find a private space, a groupchat or discord, with friends you get to know well, and keep most of your thoughts there, where you’re less likely to be attacked or judged for them. But I have also seen a lot of downsides to this strategy, including fandom spaces feeling cliquey and exclusionary as it becomes obvious who is friends with who, and that there are conversations happening privately that others cannot contribute to and are barred from. And if you’re shy, it’s really hard to find your way into one of those spaces, because people can be (understandably) wary of who they’re letting in, especially when it’s a group of queer people who just want to feel safe and heard.
I think it’s really important to have access to both spaces. I think it’s very normal to act differently in each space. I think one of the best things a person can do, for the health of fandom, is to learn how to mute and block fans that make your online experience worse, instead of getting into fights or harboring resentment. Sometimes I think it can also be worthwhile to step back, take a breath, and try to look at a comment or post as though it was made with the best of intentions instead of the worst, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Because communicating over text can be really difficult, and sometimes people just word things badly. One or two clarifying questions can sometimes save a lot of unintended hurt and anger. And if you were right, and the comment or post was just made to be nasty? Block and move on. If it upset you, seek the support of some friends! And then go do something fun or comforting and wash your hands of it.
I also wish there wasn’t such a strong need to be right all the time. Sometimes people make guesses about what they want to see in the show, and they end up totally off the mark, and that’s fine. Speculating is fun and alternate timelines are not any less cool to explore just because they’re “not canon.” I will never understand the obsession with what is “canon” or not, I have always thrived in the realm of alternate universes, where I change things on purpose. Maybe the whole setting, maybe a single word in a conversation. I had a whole alternate personality for Vassago that I loved thinking about, and I still do. It’s totally wrong, and I’m not bothered in the slightest! My AU Vassago will always exist in my brain, right next to the canon version as we learn more about him.
And then sometimes a theory ends up being right, because it was foreshadowed and set up well, and fans picked up on it. And maybe multiple people come to a similar conclusion. Arguing about who is more right or who was first seems so pointless, to me. Why does it matter? For clout? Why is clout so much more important than fans having fun?
I want to explore fun theories and headcanons, and draw whatever I feel like drawing, and write the things that sound interesting to me, that I think I have a unique perspective on that is worth telling. I want to be able to do all that without feeling like I have to tiptoe so carefully or risk facing a goddamn hate mob. I want to compete with myself, to always be trying to improve and do better and one-up Past Me, but not anyone else. Obsessing over comparing myself to other people has only ever caused me misery, and I’m determined to stop doing it as much as I am capable. Obviously I will never stop doing it entirely, but I can certainly strive to do it less.
And I really, really wish I could hide my follower count from myself on every social media account I have, and probably also hide everyone else’s. Because obsessing over those numbers is a horrible disease that eats away at my mental health, and I don’t want that shit in my head. Except for the bots, there is always a person behind every profile. The number of followers they or I have is so meaningless, and I never want to reduce anyone to a number, or forget that they have feelings and make mistakes and are just here to have a good time. It doesn’t tell me anything worth knowing or thinking about. Some of those people I will not get along with for any number of reasons, and that’s fine! They’re still a person.
Anyway, I’m lowkey toying with the idea of making a hellaverse monsterfucking server because I think that would be fun, but I do not actually know if I have the bandwidth to manage a server. But it’s something I’ve been thinking about.
I’m also thinking of maybe opening some discounted Valentine’s Your Character Here commissions some time in January, so if you’d like first dibs or to be on a waitlist or something, feel free to let me know.
I love monsters a lot. I enjoy fandom when people aren’t being massive dicks to each other.
I really wish more people utilized the block button. Including blocking me, if I annoy you! Please, for the love of sin, if I annoy you, block me and remove me from your spaces so you never have to see another post from me or think about me ever again. I promise you will be happier for it.