(z)

I'm thankful for yesterday's academic research writing workshop, as I have been trouble writing academically (?) and also I get to make new friends. I'm thankful for once that I am in the room with people where I know things the least - that means I get to learn from the people in that room. I'm thankful they are so very kind and accommodating, as I asked about problem statements and research methods and sociology, among other things. I'm thankful the room is diverse - we are Malaysians, Indonesians, Iraqis, Nigerians, Sudanese, etc. and at the end of the day we took a selfie together and it makes my heart swell seeing how beautiful, smart and ambitious everyone is, some of us travel halfway across the world to achieve our dreams.

I'm thankful that despite years doing things for other people - even though I still do - I chose to pursue postgraduate studies, something I have always wanted to do. I'm thankful that despite my anxiety of how much workload and how much time I am expected out of this job, I still manage to spend my time on my studies before my crippling anxiety arrives. I am thankful my crippling anxiety did not happen in the company of the wonderful people in the first paragraph.

I am thankful as I sat in the postgraduate room during lunch, I encountered two scholars discussing syair, a form of Malay poetry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xO4DjWRU1c). At one point they recited it - the syair spoke of hardships of a family of farmers, with imageries of trees and nature - I am thankful it was so beautiful I couldn't even describe it in writing. I am thankful for poetry and metaphors, for reasons as simple as it evokes the emotions and it makes us feel good.

I am thankful I came across this article (https://qz.com/818998/googles-former-happiness-guru-developed-a-three-second-brain-exercise-for-finding-joy/) as I struggle with my anxiety. I am thankful I came across Justin's thank you notes to help me deal with my anxiety too, as it helps me to recognise tiny little joys daily. I am thankful, despite floating from one panic attack to the next - that whenever I am happy, whenever there is this tiny voice inside me saying "Hold my iced latte" that an impending doom is coming, I still get to make use of the days I feel good about myself. 

I am thankful for my weak ties (http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/weak_ties.htm) these days, and social media. At my age when my good friends are busy with work and family, accommodating time for a single friend with anxiety is perhaps the last in their list. I am thankful that when panic attack happens, I scroll through my phone book to find someone to call and I don't have any, I could turn to Snapchat and send a Snap to someone 4000 miles away, we exchange selfies and it gets better. I'm thankful that despite the struggle is repetitive, it *always* gets better.

I'm thankful that I get to find out, that just like me, there are people who find comfort in social media. I am thankful I wrote this today.

- z (4/5/17).