(y)(6)

i'm thankful that the other night i dreamt an ex asked me to marry him. i'm thankful that in the dream we were standing in the corner of what seemed like a very loud-in-a-good-happy-way gathering but that where we were was quiet. i'm thankful that in the dream he pulled the box from out of his pants pocket (i'm thankful that in the dream he was in a suit and looked amazing in it) and laughed a little as he did. i'm thankful that in the dream i started laughing too. i'm thankful that in the dream, he had barely asked the question before i said yes. i'm thankful that in the dream i was very happy about saying yes and he held me for a long time, laughing and crying in our corner. i'm thankful i woke up.

I'm thankful i told him about the dream later in the day. i'm thankful we both thought it was funny and we both felt it was bittersweet. i'm thankful he said that it wouldn't have been beyond him at all, asking me to marry him, especially because of the way we were. i'm thankful to have remembered a conversation we had a while back on how if we were married, we would probably make each other very happy. i'm thankful he remembered it too.

i'm thankful that after that conversation i found myself going to the restaurant we first had dinner at. i'm thankful for the nervousness i felt as i walked down the street looking for the door. i'm thankful my heart faltered when i couldn't find it, and that when i did, i saw that the restaurant had moved to a different space in a different city.

i'm thankful to have thought: is this a fucking metaphor?

i'm thankful for the confusion i still feel over him not knowing how to respond in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's cheating on his current girlfriend. i'm thankful he's more thoughtful of that now, more careful in the way he converses with people from his past. i'm thankful to know he's very happy. i'm thankful to hope he's loved, and stays loved. 

i'm thankful to wonder what i would've answered if we had stayed together and he did end up asking me to marry him. i'm thankful to know the person i was at the time we were dating isn't someone i'd want him to marry, but i'm thankful he loved that person anyway. i'm thankful to think i would've said yes.

- y (8/18/17). tinyletter.com/hanakinskywalker