(x)

i'm thankful that i'm finding out that even though you are surrounded by people you like who are nice to you, it is possible to still feel lonely. sometimes it's a heightened feeling, even, and perhaps to feel that sort of intensity of emotion again — even if it is somewhat a shitty one — is something to be thankful for, too.

there was a point today where it became clear to me that there is a threshold that friendships cross into non-friendships, and i'm thankful that it didn't take me too long to figure out where someone who has been cruel and manipulative and relentless really actually belongs.

i'm thankful for train delays (which reminds me a little of being back home) and shopping lists, and classmates and friends who you get along with, and cats, and big, wide windows. for getting a little bit lost, for being needed (in a way that doesn't consume you), for being too exhausted to fight against most things.

i'm thankful that i am realising that all i really have is myself, which if you think about it a little, can potentially be incredibly sad and lonely, but if you think about it a lot, can make you feel like you are in control of what you allow yourself to feel, like maybe you can pivot towards something that stops you from feeling like you're drowning.

- x (5/29/18).