waking up before my alarm
1. regularly waking up before my alarm and going back to sleep because of sunlight seeping in through the windows—this summer, it's usually waking up at 6:30 when our alarm is at 7, though today it was 5:30 and then 6 before the 7 alarm. i know lots of people hate waking up too early and maybe health wise it's not optimal but i love the feeling, as long as i am not in a hyper-stress place and can easily go back to sleep: it's like this sense of "oh, actually, you don't have to do anything yet, bask in that for a minute and then slip back into blissful unconsciousness"
2. remembering a similar thing when i was at my second high school where i had no friends and sat in a bathroom stall / looped the hallways pretending to be going somewhere but really just trying to avoid being perceived every day at lunch, i would get out of bed at like 5am, walk to the living room and eat breakfast, and then sit in a big soft armchair in the dark watching terrible basic cable sitcoms (there was one with the olsen twins called "two of a kind" and others i can't remember), using the amount of time between the present moment and when i had to go to school as a kind of comfort object, a soft blanket that was slowly disintegrating but for a little while longer (count the minutes) could still keep me warm
3. that i lived with such bad insomnia for so long it felt like that was just what life was going to be forever, the night as a second shift where all my worst thoughts were the furniture of the room of my mind, and then i started taking one small red pill before bed and sleep immediately and magically became easy, just something that happened without me having to try, and it's stayed that way for years, with no change in efficacy and no side effects that i can see. thank you forever (please keep working forever) amitriptyline!
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