tyn(y)(7)

I'm thankful that I have fragments of what I want to say but haven't figured out how to fit them together, or if they do at all. I'm thankful that over the weekend I thought about setting an appointment with my therapist. I'm thankful that even though I didn't go, I didn't beat myself up about it.

I'm thankful that I also chose to skip my run and make oatmeal cookies instead. I'm thankful that I made the healthiest oatmeal cookies I've ever made in my life (in addition to oats I also used multigrain: flax seeds, chia, crushed brown rice) but also not really because I added an extra cup of semi sweet chocolate chips and walnuts. I'm thankful that I wanted to use pecans but realized I wouldn't have enough and pressed the pecans on top instead of mixing them into the dough.

I'm thankful I got asked to sing on a live stream session thingy next Tuesday! (7 PM Manila time, he he he) I'm thankful to be nervous and feel like I have no idea how to go about the whole thing, but I'm also thankful to have people I can ask about it. I'm thankful for this compilation of funny tweets from Buzzfeed, because sometimes their 'funniest' lists aren't really funny but this particular one made my morning. I'm thankful that I sometimes get really intense flashbacks to my hardcore Paramore days and I have NO REGRETS. I'm thankful that my creative director gave me a Lego set of Gandalf's cart when he rolls into The Shire in Fellowship for safekeeping because she's moving to a smaller apartment. I'm thankful that it comes with tiny firecrackers, including the iconic dragon one they set off during the party. I'm thankful for tiny Gandalf's tiny felt cape. I'm thankful she also brought a bag of rune stones to work today and we all learned how to cast and read them. I'm thankful for how smooth the tiny stones are, and how much more calming it is to hold a few in your hand than figure out what they're trying to say.

I'm thankful I've been thinking about X a lot. I'm thankful for all the things I want to say, and all the things I can't. I'm thankful to wonder if it's selfish to want to say them. I'm thankful to always want the best for this person, and I'm thankful I'm okay with that not being me. I'm thankful you're happy.

I'm thankful I'm down to the last two episodes of Friday Night Lights and that I've decided to put off watching them until I figure out how to deal with the aftermath. I'm thankful for how part of me thinks it's silly to feel this way about TV show. I'm thankful that the rest of me is happy to feel this way about a story like this, and to remember to be thankful for people who create things that impact others in ways they probably didn't think they would. I'm thankful for Eric and Tami and Julie and Gracie and Tim Riggins and Matt Saracen and Landry and Lyla and Jason and Tyra. I'm thankful to be giving myself time to say goodbye.

- y (10/9/17). first published in irrelephant