tyn(y)(4)

i'm thankful i got through the worst of this morning's panic attack. i'm thankful i haven't had one in a while, though i think that may have made this one worse. i'm thankful to type this note still crying.

i'm thankful to change my twitter handle after over 7 years. i'm thankful to purge my old followers list. i'm thankful i deactivated for a while. i'm thankful to remember how much i've saved there over the years and to revive it, if only for the archive. i'm thankful for memory, both human and artificial. i'm thankful to remember how far i've come even though today, right now, it doesn't feel like much distance.

i'm thankful for rogue one. i'm thankful to see the distinction between this star wars film, the original saga, the prequels, and the force awakens. i'm thankful to know what i was looking for in rogue one, and i'm thankful to also understand why it isn't there. i'm thankful for cgi. i'm thankful for my brother sitting next to me in the theater, proudly wearing his paper mache stormtrooper helmet. i'm thankful to remember the first time i saw a new hope, on a pirated dvd when i was six years old and squinting at chinese subtitles. i'm thankful that in that version, han shot first.

i'm thankful i can breathe now. i'm thankful that the time i took to sit here and write this calmed me down. i'm thankful for my healthy adult breakfast of nutella in a jar. i'm thankful for silver and gold paper clips. i'm thankful for DMs and emails from beautiful people.

- y (12/18/2016). tinyletter.com/hanakinskywalker

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