tyn(j)
tw: suicide discussion
i'm thankful for my grandparents. i'm thankful that while they would not accept my girlfriend or my gender identity, i have a support system outside of them that means i can respond to this with anger and not hopelessness, as i would have even a year ago. i'm thankful for my girlfriend. i'm thankful for the internet, which connects me with this support system even when i am trapped in a small space with people who do not accept me.
i'm thankful that this year i finally cut people out of my life that were not bringing me joy, to use a phrase from marie kondo. i'm thankful that i read marie kondo's book this year, even though i have not applied her techniques to my physical space, because her chapter on clearing out one's mental life has helped me immensely. i'm thankful to recognize that my big 'purge' of objects this year was not brought on by a desire to feel joy but by my depression. i'm thankful that everything i got rid of is sitting in my brother's old room, rather than out of my life, because i might want some of it back.
i'm thankful that this year when i wanted to kill myself, i called the crisis center instead, and while i do not remember that conversation i know that i was crying and that the woman on the phone with me was kind and helpful and only hung up when i was with the police officers, who were similarly kind. i'm thankful that they talked to me the entire time and did not do anything without telling me that they would in a calm voice, which helped with the anxiety.
i'm thankful for that emergency room visit and for all that paperwork, because without it i would not have been able to focus. i'm thankful for a friend of mine, who found my mom's cell phone number and called her to tell her what was happening even though i asked her not to. i'm thankful that the next day i told her i was sorry for being upset, and she told me i was being silly, and that she knew. i'm thankful that my parents drove an hour to get me in the middle of the night. i'm thankful that my stepdad did not chastise me, but told me that i was brave for calling in the first place. i'm thankful to recognize that the antidepressants i was taking were too strong for me, and to have switched to another. i'm thankful to feel stable, and to feel happy that i did not kill myself, and that i have not wanted to since that day.
i'm thankful that 2016 is almost over. i'm thankful that this wasn't the worst year to date for me, personally, but that i always look forward to fresh starts. i'm thankful for new year's resolutions, and specifically when people talk about them. i'm thankful for every person that resolves to go to the gym more or get healthy, because even if they do not follow through the desire is there, and i think that's wonderful. i'm thankful for hope, both in myself and in others. i'm thankful to know that my resolutions have to be self-care-focused, because otherwise i will worry immensely about "failing".
i'm thankful for this headache, which is making it hard to focus but which was brought on by fourteen hours of sleep, which i needed. i'm thankful that i'm with my parents right now, which means i can go to bed and wake up when i like and they will not be upset. i am thankful, however, that i'm going back to grad school in a week and will have to adhere to a schedule again, which is better for me in the long run. i am thankful to look for a job, because i spent my first semester without one and i am confident that i can handle working and going to school at the same time. i am thankful that i could focus on school for the last few months, and to recognize that is not a luxury that is available to everyone.
i'm thankful that i want to write again. i'm thankful that i do not want to drink again, and that i have not for the past three months and am not planning on starting. i'm thankful that in the last few months i have taken to telling people what they mean to me, and that this has overwhelmingly been met with returned kindness. i am thankful that people agree that i am a kind person now, because for a long time i was known to be very mean and i have worked hard to change that about myself. i am thankful that i could change. i am thankful to be happier now.
- j (12/29/2016).
i'm thankful for my grandparents. i'm thankful that while they would not accept my girlfriend or my gender identity, i have a support system outside of them that means i can respond to this with anger and not hopelessness, as i would have even a year ago. i'm thankful for my girlfriend. i'm thankful for the internet, which connects me with this support system even when i am trapped in a small space with people who do not accept me.
i'm thankful that this year i finally cut people out of my life that were not bringing me joy, to use a phrase from marie kondo. i'm thankful that i read marie kondo's book this year, even though i have not applied her techniques to my physical space, because her chapter on clearing out one's mental life has helped me immensely. i'm thankful to recognize that my big 'purge' of objects this year was not brought on by a desire to feel joy but by my depression. i'm thankful that everything i got rid of is sitting in my brother's old room, rather than out of my life, because i might want some of it back.
i'm thankful that this year when i wanted to kill myself, i called the crisis center instead, and while i do not remember that conversation i know that i was crying and that the woman on the phone with me was kind and helpful and only hung up when i was with the police officers, who were similarly kind. i'm thankful that they talked to me the entire time and did not do anything without telling me that they would in a calm voice, which helped with the anxiety.
i'm thankful for that emergency room visit and for all that paperwork, because without it i would not have been able to focus. i'm thankful for a friend of mine, who found my mom's cell phone number and called her to tell her what was happening even though i asked her not to. i'm thankful that the next day i told her i was sorry for being upset, and she told me i was being silly, and that she knew. i'm thankful that my parents drove an hour to get me in the middle of the night. i'm thankful that my stepdad did not chastise me, but told me that i was brave for calling in the first place. i'm thankful to recognize that the antidepressants i was taking were too strong for me, and to have switched to another. i'm thankful to feel stable, and to feel happy that i did not kill myself, and that i have not wanted to since that day.
i'm thankful that 2016 is almost over. i'm thankful that this wasn't the worst year to date for me, personally, but that i always look forward to fresh starts. i'm thankful for new year's resolutions, and specifically when people talk about them. i'm thankful for every person that resolves to go to the gym more or get healthy, because even if they do not follow through the desire is there, and i think that's wonderful. i'm thankful for hope, both in myself and in others. i'm thankful to know that my resolutions have to be self-care-focused, because otherwise i will worry immensely about "failing".
i'm thankful for this headache, which is making it hard to focus but which was brought on by fourteen hours of sleep, which i needed. i'm thankful that i'm with my parents right now, which means i can go to bed and wake up when i like and they will not be upset. i am thankful, however, that i'm going back to grad school in a week and will have to adhere to a schedule again, which is better for me in the long run. i am thankful to look for a job, because i spent my first semester without one and i am confident that i can handle working and going to school at the same time. i am thankful that i could focus on school for the last few months, and to recognize that is not a luxury that is available to everyone.
i'm thankful that i want to write again. i'm thankful that i do not want to drink again, and that i have not for the past three months and am not planning on starting. i'm thankful that in the last few months i have taken to telling people what they mean to me, and that this has overwhelmingly been met with returned kindness. i am thankful that people agree that i am a kind person now, because for a long time i was known to be very mean and i have worked hard to change that about myself. i am thankful that i could change. i am thankful to be happier now.
- j (12/29/2016).
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