tyn(esmé)(13)

I'm thankful that the last 5 months have been some of the hardest, most stressful months I have ever had as an adult human. I'm thankful that small things help to shine light on causes but mostly that sometimes the cause doesn't matter it's just finding ways to move on.

I'm thankful that I changed my mind about going home for Christmas. I'm thankful that I'll land in Detroit at 8am on Christmas day and that my dad will pick me up at the airport.

I'm thankful that once I booked my flight I had an increasing sense of dread about the day, as we normally go to my Uncle's to celebrate. He and his daughter voted for Trump. He often calls his daughter shithead. My other uncle voted for Trump. He told me that I need to learn to speak to men.

I'm thankful that the prospect of trying to cope with this strange, dark and often misogynistic side of my extended family caused a few mild panic attacks. My therapist, after I described this and my other fears surrounding our traditional Christmas day, said "Maybe it's time for things to change".

I'm thankful that I wrote both my parents an email about wanting to just celebrate with them and my brother on Sunday, that I highlighted a few other issues I've had with my Uncles that are almost impossible to bear right now. I'm thankful that both my parents wrote back, separately, saying that they loved me and that yes, perhaps it was time to change some traditions.

I'm thankful to have spoken to my dad about how much it pained him to change this tradition as it, for him, is a testament to his mother. His mother, my grandmother, has been gone for 10 years now. I miss her so much around this time of year because it was so very much her holiday. Even now I don't understand how she had the energy to do half the things she did for the family and friends at Christmastime.

I'm thankful that my dad loves his mom. I'm thankful that my dad loves me. I'm thankful that he's even tempered and calm and able to see all sides of a situation. I'm thankful that he doesn't need to grip to a tradition if it's potentially hurtful.

I'm thankful that after 4 very intense weeks of work, that I'll be able to get on a plane to a place that is still Home. I am thankful I'll get to sleep in my childhood bedroom and wake up to a giant christmas tree in a house that's just a little too cold. I'm thankful that my mom and I are closer than we've ever been in my entire life.

I'm thankful that J, though he can't come with me, will be there in spirit and that he'll get to starfish in our bed and wrap up in both down comforters. I'm thankful that he turns 35 on Christmas eve and that we invited his best friend and his wife to dinner so we can share the evening with them and it will be a small celebration just for him. I'm thankful that we have committed to our relationship and even though sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world, I know that it is not. I'm thankful he's my husband and my best friend. I'm thankful for commitment even when things are hard. I'm thankful that he loves doggos as much as me (https://www.instagram.com/doggosdoingthings/).

I'm thankful for a wolf pretending to be a man pretending he's not a wolf: https://twitter.com/SICKOFWOLVES

I'm thankful for Trishmas Bugle Salad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfdGuOrU37Q

I'm thankful for Last Wine of Winter: https://open.spotify.com/track/46FKCWEIOgv7EDTc0kIS6E

- esmé (12/21/2016). internet things: esmeawright
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