tyn(EG)

i'm thankful for my grandmother, who died last thursday. i'm (so, so, so) thankful that she is the first person close to me/in my family who has died in all my 24 years. i'm thankful to have lucked into delaying the experience of death and funerals, with some minor exceptions, for this long. i'm thankful, however, to be confronted with the reality that my three remaining grandparents, and eventually my own parents, will also die. i'm thankful to be horrified by this because it reminds me how deeply i love them all and how much that is the result of their loving me.

i'm thankful that some of this weekend has been perfectly pleasant and even fun, like when we cleaned out my grandmother's enormous closet full of clothes and jewelry and tried on some of her crazier ensembles. i'm thankful for these moments, because the rest of the weekend has been sort of like being inside a huge cathedral during an earthquake, as limestone and stained glass and dust come crashing down around me in slow motion.

i'm thankful that, as a journalist, i was chosen to write her obituary to submit to the local newspaper. i'm thankful for the conversation i had with one of my grandmother's closest friends about her life and accomplishments, some of which i didn't know about. i'm thankful to be reminded that there is always more to someone than you might think, even if you've known them your entire life. i'm thankful, almost more than anything else, that my grandmother and grandfather visited my parents' house for christmas barely two weeks ago so we all got to see her just before she died.

i'm thankful, in some ways, though mostly i'm annoyed and sad, that my own friends have been less than attentive other the past few days. i'm thankful to know, based on their decidedly lame behavior and the unwelcome weirdness of getting a condolence message on snapchat, how not to act next time one of them is going through this. i'm thankful that this whole experience has taught me more about what not to do than what to do, which is a category i sometimes find difficult to swallow. i'm thankful to have started a google doc with notes and requests for whenever my life ends, because i find that comforting and because i want to make it as not-sad as it can possibly be (would a pizza party be weird?).

i'm thankful, selfishly, that i get to leave here tomorrow after the memorial service because it has been an incredibly taxing few days. i'm thankful to my dad for staying a while longer so my grandfather isn't alone right away. i'm thankful to you, if you read this, because i know it was a big ol' bummer.

- EG (01/08/2017).