tyn (moe)(4)

i'm thankful for the guy with really nice hair i saw at south ken station last night. i'm thankful for the joy i felt when i saw him in my tube carriage on my way home. i'm thankful for how when we got off, he got on his skateboard and whizzed away. i'm thankful i thought i'd lost him. i'm thankful to have gotten to the lights outside the station and found him there waiting for the lights to go green even though the roads were free and other people were walking across. i'm thankful this made me wait and made me think about the day i'd had. i'm thankful to have remembered r who i met at church last night. r is a stylist and i'm thankful to have asked him for a style assessment. i'm thankful he said i had a great outfit on. i'm thankful that it made me feel really good for him to say that. i'm thankful for how much effort it takes me to plan outfits. i'm thankful for how much time it takes me to decide to buy anything related to clothes. i'm thankful it's taken me almost three weeks to decide on a pair of black trainers to buy to replace the old ones. i'm thankful to always do my 'window-shopping' at my desk at uni. i'm thankful how this has sort of become a bonding experience with some of my colleagues as we shop for outfits for ourselves. i'm thankful to have been so lost in thought i didn't realise the lights had gone green until skater guy whizzed past. i'm thankful for that bright spot in what was a very long day. 

i'm thankful for how the presence of little humans on the tube makes everyone really happy. i'm thankful for toddlers and how much energy they have. i'm thankful for how they've not fully grasped the idea of personal space and stranger-danger. i'm thankful that this week i've been leaving home a bit later in the morning. i'm thankful because this means i travel at off-peak hours and increases the chances of travelling with at least one toddler. i'm thankful every time one of them steps into my carriage, i take off my headphones because i like to hear what they say. i'm thankful for the little boy on my carriage yesterday who was playing a game with his mum. i'm thankful he was counting down the stops to the stop they'd get off. i'm thankful to have joined in, letting him count my fingers. i'm thankful for the old lady who smiled at us both. i'm thankful for how his touch was very comforting and explains why i love babies very much. i'm thankful for the little girl who was dressed in a bright orange tiger-like onesie on the tube today. i'm thankful because she was also wearing some blue shoes and pink sliders in her hair. i'm thankful because it was obvious she had dressed herself. i'm thankful her parents gave her the freedom to choose her own clothes. i'm thankful to hope i was a colourful toddler myself. i'm thankful for how she was chatting to her brother about the episodes of peppa pig and fireman sam they watched that morning. i'm thankful because for some reason she sang the opening song to fireman sam and i joined in quietly but didn't realise i was audible until she stopped and asked if i liked fireman sam. 

i'm thankful to remember the time after my masters when i slept on my cousins' couch for a couple of months because i had nowhere to live. i'm thankful to remember that they took me in after i left the house i was staying in abruptly. i'm thankful for chubs-my nephew, who would wake me up every morning by turning on the tv to watch fireman sam. i'm thankful for how invested i became in the show. i'm thankful to hope that i'll be one of those aunties who remind my nephew of the time when he was very little and we used to watch fireman sam together. i'm thankful for my cousins who are my only family here and really go out of their way for me. i'm thankful to remember that being around them was one of the things that anchored me in what was one of the darkest times of my life. i'm thankful for how my cousin was the only one who came along to my masters graduation. i'm thankful to not remember most of the ceremony because i sobbed throughout and didn't want to be there. 

i'm thankful to be looking forward to two graduations now. i'm thankful i plan to really celebrate them. i'm thankful that one of them is from the leadership college i've been enrolled in for the past year is in two weeks. i'm thankful to have asked k, l and v along. i'm thankful for how excited they were to be asked. i'm thankful to enjoy the fact that i have friends who are excited to come celebrate things with me. i'm thankful for something p, our tutor said at leadership college the other day, something along the lines of 'go big on celebrations'. i'm thankful for how sad it made me remembering all the big moments i missed celebrating in the past. i'm thankful to look forward to this black tie graduation where my friends and i get to dress up and party for a couple of hours. i'm thankful to stifle the anxiety. 

i'm thankful to think about the other graduation i'm looking forward to- the one after my phd. i'm thankful for how my family threatens to fly every member of our extended family in for it. i'm thankful because they are partially joking. i'm thankful because this phd is the hardest thing i've ever done. i'm thankful because everyday i think about quitting but tell myself to do just one more day and one more day and one more day. i'm thankful for how it feels like i'm just doing the work to finish the damn thing and not because i enjoy science anymore. i'm thankful other people have told me it's normal to have the second year dip in momentum. i'm thankful to hope i can muster some excitement for what will be my last year of work from september. i'm thankful to be bang in the middle of the phd and begin to see the end. i'm thankful because if i make it out on time i would have a hell of a celebration because i would deserve it. i'm thankful to know that i will complete the phd. 

- moe (22/6/16). (paddington tube station london)

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