tyn (moe)
i'm thankful that the fog is starting to lift. i'm thankful that i'm starting to feel again. i'm thankful for lamotrigine and amitriptyline which seem to be working even if i hate taking them. i'm thankful for side effects, they make me believe my medicine is working. i'm thankful especially for the weight gain which everybody believes is a result of my overeating and not a side effect of the medicine (which it partially is).
i'm thankful for the gym and the people i watch in the gym. i'm thankful to watch the personal trainers drill and push their clients. i'm thankful this made me think about getting a personal trainer. i'm thankful to have pushed through my anxiety and met one yesterday. i'm thankful she wasn't what i expected. i'm thankful to have realised, by meeting her, that i cannot afford a personal trainer both in money and time at the moment. i'm thankful to hope to become the kind of person who can afford a personal trainer soon.
i'm thankful that i don't know how most of the equipment in my gym works so i just walk on the treadmill and cycle on the bikes. i'm thankful my gym is a 24 hour one and i'm able to go when there are fewer people so i don't feel self-conscious. i'm thankful that sometimes i get brave and try out a new equipment. i'm thankful to have tried the cross trainer and hated it. i'm thankful that going when it's less busy means i can use the free weights without tons of guys watching me (i'm thankful to acknowledge that this might be an irrational fear.
i'm thankful for my irrational fear of moving surfaces- escalators, treadmills, bicycles. i'm thankful that it adds an extra dimension to my days-i have to plan my journeys around avoiding areas with them. i'm thankful that they limit me but also make for exciting times. i'm thankful that a lot of London underground stations have stairs that are easy to navigate. i'm thankful to remember the time i was going down the stairs in shepherd's bush and there were a couple of kids playing hide and seek in the corner. i'm thankful they scared me but brightened my day. i'm thankful to see that i don't let myself be embarrassed about my phobias anymore. i'm thankful that i'm able to communicate them easily when i'm out with people. i'm thankful to how on Saturday when i was out with l,s and k, we went to this shopping centre with six floors and there was a long queue for the elevators. i'm thankful that when they thought it was easier to take the escalators, i told them i couldn't and i was happy to wait downstairs for them. i'm thankful they all decided to wait for the elevator with me. i'm thankful to remember that i have some of the most considerate and kind friends.
i'm thankful that i'm more comfortable talking about my mental health and illness. i'm thankful to be able to sign up for Disability Learning Support. i'm thankful for the different conversations i had with myself to convince myself i didn't actually need help. i'm thankful to have found an amazing adviser. i'm thankful she affirms that it was the right decision to get help. i'm thankful that even though my director of studies was not happy about not being consulted before, she has offered her full support.
i'm thankful that i get to go to counselling once a week. i'm thankful for the dent it makes in my finances. i'm thankful to afford it. i'm thankful for my counsellor who hardly ever speaks and just watches me while i peak. i'm thankful for the colouring book she bought me. i'm thankful that colouring is a way to calm me down during counselling because even though i've been doing it for a while, i still get very agitated/ anxious. i'm thankful for the colouring book a bought me for my birthday. i'm thankful that she knew i needed one without asking me what i wanted. i'm thankful for the anxiety. i'm thankful to wake up every morning and feel anxious because it feels familiar when the depression is fading. i'm thankful to think of the person i'll be when this depressive episode ends. i'm thankful i can see the end.
-moe 5/17/2016. london
i'm thankful for the gym and the people i watch in the gym. i'm thankful to watch the personal trainers drill and push their clients. i'm thankful this made me think about getting a personal trainer. i'm thankful to have pushed through my anxiety and met one yesterday. i'm thankful she wasn't what i expected. i'm thankful to have realised, by meeting her, that i cannot afford a personal trainer both in money and time at the moment. i'm thankful to hope to become the kind of person who can afford a personal trainer soon.
i'm thankful that i don't know how most of the equipment in my gym works so i just walk on the treadmill and cycle on the bikes. i'm thankful my gym is a 24 hour one and i'm able to go when there are fewer people so i don't feel self-conscious. i'm thankful that sometimes i get brave and try out a new equipment. i'm thankful to have tried the cross trainer and hated it. i'm thankful that going when it's less busy means i can use the free weights without tons of guys watching me (i'm thankful to acknowledge that this might be an irrational fear.
i'm thankful for my irrational fear of moving surfaces- escalators, treadmills, bicycles. i'm thankful that it adds an extra dimension to my days-i have to plan my journeys around avoiding areas with them. i'm thankful that they limit me but also make for exciting times. i'm thankful that a lot of London underground stations have stairs that are easy to navigate. i'm thankful to remember the time i was going down the stairs in shepherd's bush and there were a couple of kids playing hide and seek in the corner. i'm thankful they scared me but brightened my day. i'm thankful to see that i don't let myself be embarrassed about my phobias anymore. i'm thankful that i'm able to communicate them easily when i'm out with people. i'm thankful to how on Saturday when i was out with l,s and k, we went to this shopping centre with six floors and there was a long queue for the elevators. i'm thankful that when they thought it was easier to take the escalators, i told them i couldn't and i was happy to wait downstairs for them. i'm thankful they all decided to wait for the elevator with me. i'm thankful to remember that i have some of the most considerate and kind friends.
i'm thankful that i'm more comfortable talking about my mental health and illness. i'm thankful to be able to sign up for Disability Learning Support. i'm thankful for the different conversations i had with myself to convince myself i didn't actually need help. i'm thankful to have found an amazing adviser. i'm thankful she affirms that it was the right decision to get help. i'm thankful that even though my director of studies was not happy about not being consulted before, she has offered her full support.
i'm thankful that i get to go to counselling once a week. i'm thankful for the dent it makes in my finances. i'm thankful to afford it. i'm thankful for my counsellor who hardly ever speaks and just watches me while i peak. i'm thankful for the colouring book she bought me. i'm thankful that colouring is a way to calm me down during counselling because even though i've been doing it for a while, i still get very agitated/ anxious. i'm thankful for the colouring book a bought me for my birthday. i'm thankful that she knew i needed one without asking me what i wanted. i'm thankful for the anxiety. i'm thankful to wake up every morning and feel anxious because it feels familiar when the depression is fading. i'm thankful to think of the person i'll be when this depressive episode ends. i'm thankful i can see the end.
-moe 5/17/2016. london
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