tyn (fsa)(3)

i’m thankful for the rain.

i’m thankful for the tropical rain that fell on lisbon today. i’m thankful that it coincided precisely with my lunch time walk with b. i’m thankful for how these raindrops were heavy and proper, and not light and sprayed, and pierced through ever layer of clothing i had on. thankful for how the cold of the air felt warm and sluggish against the fat icy drops, falling mercilessly against my face, my exposed neck, my lips, the bridge of my nose, my hair. my feet underneath my summer sneakers. i’m thankful that our dog b didn’t mind the rain as much as he usually does, and still went about doing his bodily needs. i’m thankful for my blissful wet and messy friday christening, and thankful how every rainstorm feels like a baptism of its own: fresh, wet, new, released, free, unapologetic. i’m thankful for my catholic upbringing and thankful for having a deeply ingrained feeling of renewal without ever falling to the tight grip of guilt (like j so often does). i’m thankful of how j’s rooted guilt brings about his feminine vulnerability that i so much love.

i’m thankful for getting home soaking wet and dripping, and having j laugh as he dried b off with a shaggy towel, and having b dance from one place to the other doing the tip tap clack of doggy paws on our wooden floors whilst showcasing a childish grin and bared teeth. i’m grateful for all the joyful moments the three of us have shared. i’m thankful for the warm temperature of our house, and how it always manages to provide comfort and shelter against the furious raining outside. thankful for not having to change for a third time today and just warming up nicely with our lunch. thankful for the crispness of the water contrasting with the subtle and ever-present murkiness of a slightly polluted capital (and thankful for almost never noticing this at all).

i’m thankful that my God is one of water, and fire, but mostly a goddess of rain. i’m thankful for seeing her face in every cloud, on every puddle, smiling in the raindrops that race each other on car windows, splashing against the kitchen sink and getting carelessly thrown on the floor by b’s floppy tongue. i’m thankful of how fresh she feels in the first contact with summer pools and in the spraying of restless waves of the atlantic ocean, thankful for her warmth in every 6am shower, thankful for her timeless blue caught against the sun in glaciar peaks, thankful for how she gets woven in patterns in every ice flakes, and mostly thankful for humid louisiana air (against a scenery of thunderstorms). i’m thankful for her weightless mist in fog, for her stillness encapsulated in morning dew and for frost and slush on slippery roads - and how much it reminds me of my time in scotland. i miss my winter goddess in st andrews meadows, and i miss the silence and sadness that went hand in hand with the white. i’m thankful for all the secrets that i share with nature, and the way water and snow always seem to mark my ongoing rebirths. 

i’m thankful for the feeling of surprise. of being surprised with a rain shower at lunchtime and the ability to surprise others. i’m thankful for the tuppersex party i hosted last night for one of my best friends in the context of her succeeding bridal activities, and thankful all the bridesmaids enjoyed themselves. i’m thankful for g in all her puritan glory and thankful for how well she endured the pains of having a 3-hour long sex class with the prolific display of sex toys and other accessories, which she took with more humour than graceful dismay. i’m thankful for selflessness and the little things we do for others with the silent bravery of love.

i’m thankful of how the surprising news of a pregnancy unraveled in the fact that s could not eat cheap sushi from an anonymous all-you-can-eat joint in our neighbourhood. i’m thankful for the miracle of life and how this new life is being born into water and warmth and love, and thankful that perhaps in the subconscious of that pre-human nervous system we might have imprinted some of the important events of last night: the fun, the unbridled laughter, chuckling and giggling, to the rhythmic succession of NSFW material and sex-life confessions and the display of sheer joy of just being there - there -: together. and thankful of how more and more womanhood has presented itself to me as the mischievous older version of (happy and inquisitive) girlhood. 

f.

- fsa (2/26/16). 24, portuguese