the dying breaths of leo season

i'm thankful that last week d wrote an issue of her newsletter about the dying breaths of leo season.

i'm thankful, after a difficult week last week, to recognize for yet another year that for some reason august and september is a reliable nadir for my mental health (or more specifically mostly the way my mental health makes being conscious inside my body an unpleasant experience)

9/17/16
i'm thankful that before work yesterday, i took a benadryl. i'm thankful that even though work was still very busy, i felt somewhat better about it yesterday, either because the benadryl was mildly sedating and/or because i have some kind of allergy to something here this time of year that inflames my nerves (a doctor once suggested to me several years ago, when, on labor day weekend, d had to take me to urgent care two days in a row because i was having endless bad panic attacks and thought i was dying and i revealed that the last time i had had such bad attacks was the previous september). i'm thankful for benadryl, which in its generic form is sold in large quantities for a small amount of money at the grocery store and which d uses as a sleep aid (and which i used to use as a sleep aid, before going on a stronger prescription). i'm thankful for the little pink pills, which we call "bennies." i'm thankful for "benny and the jets."

8/23/20
i'm thankful that august tends to be the worst month for my mental health, for reasons i have never been able to get to (theories include some kind of allergy, sweating too much from running in the heat, repressed trauma around school / the transition between different states of the year) but that i've been doing pretty well this august and (getting up to knock on wood again) i think i will notch another year in my belt of "didn't go to urgent care or the emergency room on or around labor day after doing that literally two years in a row afraid i was dying!" and that's comforting, especially because summer is the favorite season of my conscious, controlled mind and i want to enjoy it while it lasts.

even though it fucking sucks that it reliably seems to happen and i have somewhat given up on expending more energy with doctors to figure it out or help me fix it, but still i'm thankful to recognize its as a pattern regardless (though i never manage to do it in advance, which i think i could—maybe i need to make a calendar reminder for next year) because at least the historical self knowledge can, int the present, help me mentally go "try to refrain from believing the external parts of your life are uniquely bad right now and blowing them out of proportion because a lot of what you're feeling is probably internal and arbitrary and neurochemical rather than external and logical and contextual" which is a useful impulse. i'm thankful that unlike labor days past, i once again did not have to go to the urgent care and i'm thankful, always, for my stash of xanax and to have taken .5 mg this morning to see if it would blunt things some and it has and i'm thankful, when i am in one of thes mental troughs, to try to be easy with myself. i'm thankful for when my brain was feeling super buzzy last night and that was exacerbated by the sound of the air conditioner and miso barking i put on noise cancelling headphones while rereading a soft book and was comforted enough to fall asleep earlier than i'd planned to. i'm thankful i've been trying to amp up my yoga and breathwork

i'm thankful that though it's been sunny and nice the past few days (i'm thankful i ran 13 miles yesterday) there's been a cool breeze that makes the temperature pretty perfect. i'm thankful, since the attic where our music equipment is is always hotter than the rest of the house and thus is de facto off limits in high summer, that we were able to get up there and play some (here is a cover of "betty" by taylor swift)

i'm thankful for the show rap shit! on hbo max, which we only have a couple more episodes of and which is such a joy (i'm thankful for how more playful and fun it is than insecure (the show is run and sometimes written by issa rae), but that it isn't a purely broad comedy and the emotional moments of hit well (and that the performances are great). i'm thankful for the show's formal gimmick, which is that much of what we're watching is mediated through various instagram and youtube videos and other social platforms, aping their UI. i'm thankful that there are also bits of connective tissue that are more traditionally shot and posit to represent a world existing outside of the apps, but i'm also thankful for the way that the primacy of the apps and the frames they let us put on lives is such a central theme, since it feels undercovered by most other shows. i'm thankful that the music is good (considering i am now old and don't know new rap very well) and for the beautiful and moving representation of a moment when you're an artist that catches a break (mia and shawna dancing in a club as their first single is played and everyone goes while). i'm thankful for the character of mia spinning away from the camera to walk to a waiting car and saying, with great brio, "watch my smoke, hoes," which, when i am in a better place mentally will be a great ego boosting mantra for me (i'm thankful scorpio season isn't that far away, but i'm thankful to savor our last stretch of warmth as much as i can).