thank you notes(c)(5)

i’m thankful to be back on my ssri after having fallen off my regular schedule last week. i’m thankful that although this was painful, it added an increased sense of clarity as to why i take my ssri—to make my life just a little bit easier. i’m thankful to remember the fact that my therapist recommended trying an ssri on our fifth or sixth visit, but that i wouldn’t try 10mg for the first time for another year and a half. i’m thankful i took the step and got on it, even if i had to deal with a lot of shit from my doctor for starting it.

i’m thankful i had to quickly learn that i could ask any doctor for a prescription and so when i didn’t meet with my doctor because of an unrelated ear problem, i asked her to refill my prescription and to up my dosage. i’m thankful she did, even if she did go against my wishes and call my mother to ask if it would be “alright” for her adult son to have his dosage boosted. i’m thankful to remember how angry that made me; how absolutely demeaning it was—not to mention likely illegal. i’m thankful that even though a part of me told me to just not pickup the prescription because it was obtained inappropriately, i ignored that part of me.

i’m thankful to be happy. i am happy. i’m thankful for how relieving that is to type and to say with confidence. i’m thankful that i can run my tongue over the scars in my mouth from where i’ve bitten it—a tic of mine—and know that although some of the bites are fresh from the days where I wasn’t on my ssri, i don’t feel obligated to tear up my cheek. i’m thankful that although i feel some anxiety about the assignments i have coming up and the extreme difficulty of chinese—not to mention my yearning for french—i can still go out and think of other things.

i’m thankful that i’ve developed a routine for a few of my days. i’m thankful for my thursdays where i have a standing date with a, a boy i’ve been seeing for about a month now. i’m thankful for my fridays where i know i have services to look forward to. i’m thankful for saturdays which are research/study at the library days. sundays which are study at two different museums day. i’m thankful for how happy this schedule makes me and how it leaves me feeling less overwhelmed by free time.

i’m thankful that yesterday, sunday, while i was sitting at my favorite of the two museums i like to study in, i got a snapchat from a. i’m thankful to have opened it and have seen a picture of myself. i’m thankful for the rush of almost terror that swept through me as i stared at the horribly out of focus blob that obviously was me. i’m thankful that the photo disappeared and that i replayed it. i’m thankful to have stared at it and then looked around confused, not seeing a. i’m thankful to have picked up my phone from the table i was sitting at and called a. i’m thankful for a’s teasing of, “i don’t know what you mean, i can see you, but you can’t see me,” and so on. i’m thankful that he eventually appeared from a doorway and that i grinned upon seeing him, not expecting to see him. i’m thankful he sat with me while i traced chinese characters and ate lunch, telling me how he was here with his family who wanted to see an exhibit. i’m thankful for how he told me, “i knew you’d be here, so i wanted to surprise you.” i’m thankful for the happiness that brought me and that when it came time for him to leave, i stood up and hugged him a goodbye. i’m thankful for the text i received from him after the first time i hugged him asking “how the hell” i was strong enough to have squeezed the air out of him. i laugh thinking of that.

i’m thankful for today, and i’m thankful for the week ahead. i hope you have a good day and at that, an even better week.

- c (10/17/2016).

previously: 1, 2, 3, 4