thank you notes (patrick)(2)

i’m thankful that the easter egg my gf bought us last week was extremely good, and that its dark chocolate shell was perfect: neither too bitter nor too sweet, the curve of the shell being of the exact thickness and texture to make the snap of breaking into it extremely satisfying.

i’m thankful i have to drive to the garden centre tomorrow and to my mother’s house to collect two small trees - one cherry, one quince. driving in london causes me acute anxiety right up until i get behind the wheel at which point i’m usually all right but i still feel i should be thankful for the opportunity and for still being a competent, if somewhat ponderous, driver. 

i’m thankful that the 30th birthday party i attended the weekend before last was reasonably successful by my standards, which is to say that i spent most of the evening talking to people i didn’t know, and even though i did not make any new friends, and even though there were a few moments of feeling totally lost and alone, it was enough to remind me that i am capable of behaving in a polite and semi-relaxed fashion amongst strangers. i'm thankful that the birthday boy and i shared an oddly intimate moment at the end of the night when i gave him his present (a book by china mieville) as i was stumbling out of the door towards my taxi.

i’m thankful that i had the confidence to add some tracks to the communal spotify playlist for this party and that when some of them came on i noticed that some people seemed to be enjoying them even though they didn’t know who it was who added them. i’m especially thankful because this was almost enough to satisfy a stupid fantasy i sometimes nurture about throwing a great party with a playlist that is so perfect that it leaves all the guests in attentive rapture and eternally thankful afterwards for the stimulating effects of my incredible taste in music. 

(i’m also thankful to have the awareness this is not really a fantasy about music at all, but that it’s actually about wanting to feel that basic animal reassurance and validation that comes from being part of a group of friends, which is not something i feel very often.)

i'm thankful for the first album by big audio dynamite, which i have enjoyed every day this week.

i’m thankful that my uncle, who was recently cheated out of a large quantity of money and the roof of his house by a bunch of fake builders, is now doing a little better and is apparently financially and domestically secure. he is a very solitary man who reminds me of what i might become if i ever ended up living on my own for many years so i’m thankful he is doing all right now, or at least is not suffering.

i’m thankful that the cloud of anxiety i’ve been living under for the past couple of months has begun to dissipate somewhat. i’m thankful that my life has felt more routine, which i think i need to survive, even if it breeds a sort of quiet resentment, a sense that everyone else is having much more fun and living a more interesting life than me. i’m thankful that work settles my stomach even if it doesn’t always satisfy. i’m thankful that we managed a book a holiday for later this month because i’m really looking forward to getting out of here for a while.

- patrick (4/1/16).