thank you notes (moe)(5)

[trigger warning: self-harm]

i’m thankful to have survived last week. i’m thankful to remember that last week was one of the hardest of my life. i’m thankful the conference my colleagues and i organised was excellent. i’m thankful everyone told us so. i’m thankful  i didn’t chew anyone’s head off as i’d predicted. i’m thankful to have been the 'official photographer' of the event even though i have no experience of taking pictures in dark, cheerless places. i'm thankful for how the hot shot academics all asked me to take great pictures of them. i'm thankful to have shown the pictures to them for their approval. i'm thankful it showed a side of them we don't usually see. i'm thankful to realise that everyone secretly wants to look good in pictures. i'm thankful for j my second supervisor who i see about three times a year at conferences. i'm thankful he is one of the kindest people i know. i'm thankful for how he always assures me i'm doing a great job. i'm thankful for how excited he always is to hear about my work and how i've progressed. i'm thankful for how much he wants me to come work in his lab in germany. i'm thankful to look forward to it. i'm thankful for the big error i made. i'm thankful for how i was in charge of ordering the catering for the event and didn't realise there was no afternoon tea break on the final day. i'm thankful to have not realised my mistake until the guy asked me to sign the delivery sheet and then realised what i had done. i'm thankful the team was left with about 200 biscuits plus tea and coffee. i'm thankful everyone was so relieved the conference went well they all laughed at my mistake. i'm thankful our office is now well stocked in biscuits, tea and coffee. 

i'm thankful for t who i flirted with throughout the conference. i'm thankful to realise i've still got it. i'm thankful he was a reminder that there are many layers to people. i'm thankful for the way it felt like every time i got back from taking a batch of photos, i uncovered a different layer. i'm thankful for this hot, bearded aussie brand strategist, receptionist and bartender. i'm thankful for the conversation we had on tennis, brexit and privilege. i'm thankful for how much i wanted to get his number or kiss him. i'm thankful i did neither. i'm thankful to have given him a whole load of biscuits instead. i'm thankful this says all there is to say about my relationship status. 

i'm thankful that last weekend i went on a retreat weekend with my cohort from leadership college. i'm thankful for how much fun we had. i'm thankful for lying in the sun and going on walks at midnight and watching the football with 40 people. i'm thankful to have been able to turn off the internet for the weekend. i'm thankful to have cried all weekend either from tiredness, joy or deep sorrow. i'm thankful i've been very weepy lately. i'm thankful to not always try to figure out why. i'm thankful to lean into the uncertain. i'm thankful for how it felt like i was cleansing my soul this weekend. i'm thankful for all the hugs i got this weekend. i'm thankful to have lost count. i'm thankful for how hugs are such a small gesture that have such a significant impact.

i'm thankful to have got the opportunity to share my mental illness story with some of the guys on saturday. i'm thankful for safe spaces. i'm thankful to have talked about things i've never told anyone. i'm thankful for all the questions i was asked. i'm thankful for how this opened the floor to honest conversations. i'm thankful for the privilege to listen to people's stories of deep hurt and pain. i'm thankful for j, who i've always been drawn to. i'm thankful he trusted me enough to share his story of self-harm with me. i'm thankful for how his story reminded me of jude st. francis from a little life. i'm thankful for how much his story and jude's story broke me. i'm thankful to have spent the entire night crying for him. i'm thankful to still be feeling hopeless about it all. i'm thankful for feelings and emotions. i'm thankful my heart can still be broken. i'm thankful adversity hasn't hardened my heart. i'm thankful that the cravings for self-harm have returned. i'm thankful to feel helpless. i'm thankful to know i am not helpless. 

i'm thankful for the other j, who is one of my closest friends. i'm thankful we don't use words like that around each other. i'm thankful we're both secure about our places in each other's lives. i'm thankful for how often he gives me rides home and how that is our chance to catch up. i'm thankful we're both very serious empaths. i'm thankful to have knocked ideas about on how to protect our hearts from breaking and not getting burned out. i'm thankful to not have come up with reasonable solutions. i'm thankful to ask for ideas from anyone. 

i'm thankful for hearts and minds and bodies and feelings and emotions and tears and safe spaces and honesty and security and insecurityand recovery and non-recovery and sense and non-sense. i'm thankful to cry. 

- moe (7/4/16). london 

previously: 1, 2, 3, 4