thank you notes (kflo)(5)

i'm thankful for my first day back in college. i'm thankful to have spent the last few weeks of being a non-student by covertly, anxiously preparing myself into becoming a student, for the second time around. i'm thankful that i want to become a responsible college lad this time (also equally thankful for my irresponsible college lad days, because who am i kidding, it was fun); i'm thankful that i get to decide who i will be, thankful for this kind of universal projectile of "i should be's" and the wonderful feeling of knowing that i am in control of who i am and will be. i'm thankful to simplify that it's just like choosing which jeans to wear, which handkerchief to carry around.

i'm thankful to have tweeted something so embarrassing and true about me; that i am so full of myself and so distrustful or skeptical of other people's capacity to become great, large and looming. i'm thankful to note that my pressing of the tweet button, my sending it virtually out in the open world, has made me constantly aware of my Horrible Personage. i'm thankful that tweeting something personal nowadays has become the equivalent of the catholic church's confessional vault for me. i'm thankful for how twitter brings out my multitude of multitudes, how it brings out everyone's multitude of multitudes, and i'm thankful that i can witness this unleashing of multitudes in real time just by pressing a button. i'm thankful to remember my new media professor, after having typed the above. i'm thankful to note and still recall that i kinda sound like her, reflecting on the Greatness of Technological Age, etc. etc. i'm thankful for teachers, professors, student tutors, everyone dedicated to learning and teaching, and the large and looming back-and-forth that happens not just inside the classroom, but in the world (and twitter). i'm thankful to recognize that these people have roles to fill in my life, like pieces to my persona's jigsaw puzzle.

i'm thankful for my fluctuating personhood, how i'm so gloomy most days but unbelievably jumpy, bouncy, little miss sunshine-y the next. i'm thankful to see myself jump from one personhood-pool to another, and i'm also thankful for the slight change in my character, because now i'm not castigating myself for being so difficult, strange, chaotic anymore.

i'm thankful for uniforms, how it conceals, how it makes you feel a part of something greater than your existence, how it turns everyone into structured clear-cut floating bones and human flesh. i'm thankful for my frustration after having found out that i can't claim my uniform from the seamstress yesterday; thankful that she followed up and told me that i can get it by next week, all done and finished. i'm thankful for this, how this uniform situation brought me to wearing queer, bizarre dresses at school, and thankful for how all the other students look at me crazy and weird as though i'm a school outsider, an outcast of society. i'm thankful that on some days i role-play as an outcast of society, as a kind of social experiment or whatever, and thankful because my existence i consider as one neverending social experiment, a constant statistical survey, &c.

i'm thankful for rookie, which i consider my interwebz home for about four years now. i'm thankful for my nice back-and-forth with d, my diary editor, and thankful for the little life anecdote she shared with me when i asked her how she was. i'm thankful for this space, for all the spaces i can go to, where i can thankfully be. i'm thankful, always and in all ways, for the opportunity and time to write.

- kflo (6/20/16). @kiandrogynous on all social media places

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