thank you notes (kflo)(4)

i'm thankful for dreams. i'm thankful that i dreamt of the boy i was hilariously in love with from high school up to now. i'm thankful that in the dream, we didn't talk much but what i was feeling the whole time was enough to transform me into a forlorn, depressing human being when i woke up.

i'm thankful for music. i'm thankful that right after i woke up, i fired up spotify on my laptop (also thankful for my patience amid pain/heartbreak/whatever to wait for the software to ""warm up"" and ""mentally prepare"" its functions) and played my ""you're gonna be fine"" playlist. i'm thankful to have foreseen this, the ""i just wanna stay slumped in bed, maybe even be melted by the sun, into the concrete cracks"" episode. i'm thankful this happens almost every single time after dreaming of that boy. i'm thankful for the queue feature on spotify, and on apple music; which allows me to be multiple persons at the same time.

i'm thankful for how my brain remembers a particular person, place, feeling, thought, or thing and then immediately, as if on cue, alludes it to a song, a movie, a particular bus ride. i'm thankful to know that, really, i'm just making things hard for myself.

i'm thankful for people's faculty to remember, or not forget. i'm thankful for memories; how they toughen us up and at times soften us. i'm thankful that i'm usually just softened, and that my reminiscent states are always in a torrential form. i'm thankful (although not really) that i'm reaching a point where i'm starting to feel helpless in my loneliness and melancholy, of my being deeply sentimental. i'm thankful i wrote ""it hurts to forget"" somewhere in my diaries at rookie sometime ago, and thankful to bring it into mind again. i'm thankful for how i'm offering myself consolations, even in this shameful light of love-pain, because i don't wanna call it heartbreak.

i'm thankful for the phrase ""love of my life.""

i'm thankful for unrequited love. i'm thankful for how it's allowed me so much freedom: to cry, to be gloriously, foolishly corny, to be, to reach out to other people when i'm in so much pain even spotify playlists can't alleviate it. i'm thankful for the dreams that keep coming back, like trains or buses, or songs on repeat.

i'm thankful that even in this severe, numbing love-pain, i can still think of books to read, especially roland barthe's discourse. i'm thankful that i can run to it, as my brain tells me, and treat it as a pragmatic sis, pa, aunt, or ma. i'm thankful that i find comfort in rationalizing feelings, but only when i feel that the time is right. for now, i'm thankful to just wallow in this pool of throbbing remembrance and nostalgia. i'm thankful to hypothesize that maybe this intense function to feel is what will kill me; but that's for another note.