thank you notes (fsa)(4)

i’m thankful for memory.

i’m thankful that today out of the blue i remembered k. i’m thankful that it’s been almost a year since she died, and that year hasn’t been unbearably painful (although it has been scattered with a lot of mourning and saudade - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade). i’m thankful to have my day interrupted by the memory of her.

i’m thankful for her life. i’m thankful that although she will never be 25, i’m thankful she got to be 1, 2, 3, 4 year old k running around and laughing, 5, 6, 7 year old k trying out for school plays, 8, 9, 10 year old k already inquisitive and precocious and smart, 11, 12, 13 year old k and her first love, 14, 15, 16 year old k finishing high school and being a kind soul, 17, 18 year old k going to la and hating it, 19 year old k in scotland, 20 year old k going for a eurotrip, 21 k pursuing academic goals, 22 year old depressed k, 23 year old k falling deeply in love with her j and knowing it will be forever, 24 year old k so close so fucking painfully close to finishing school and going back to the us with j. i’m thankful that even if she did not live to be 25 and the rest, we will carry the memory of her with us. i’m thankful that of all my friends i only ever pictured her gray haired and old, still with the same conversations and concerns. i love you k, wherever you are. 

i’m thankful that nothing in my life would be the same without knowing her. i’m so grateful that she ended up being my neighbour in our dorm, me in 236 new hall, she in 234. i’m thankful of our first facebook interaction, even before school, where i guessed her portuguese ancestry and thankful for her surprise ‘how can you tell?’ while having the most obnoxious portuguese last name ever. i’m thankful that i got to show her portugal and lisbon where her ancestors were from, and thankful for getting to know northern california through her loving eyes. i’m thankful that she was what i liked best on the west coast. i’m thankful for all the laughter, the party drugs we took and how we roamed snowy trails in silence gazing at the starts, i’m thankful for that lovingly shared silence, the endless suppers in the canteen talking about nothings, thankful for her vegetarianism, thankful for her knowledge of medical marijuana and being introduced to the wonderful world of vaporisers, i’m thankful for her overall generosity and kindness, thankful that she never took anyone’s sadness lightly, thankful she never brushed off any problem or struggle, but tried her best to fight everyone’s fights with them, thankful for her courage, for her activism, for her feminism, for her creativity, for gilbert and sullivan, for all the things she taught me and doors to new worlds she and only she opened up for me. i’m especially thankful for her hunger in knowing more and more, which was met by my own, and how we spent hours over hours sharing stories of how life was back home and how comfortable it was to chill with her on her bed. i’m thankful for her enthusiasm and passion for equality for all, for musical theatre, for life. i’m thankful for all the traveling we did together and all the trips that were yet to be done, i’m thankful for our memories in amsterdam, in paris, in lisbon, and painted all around in st andrews. i’m thankful to have had the privilege of knowing her. i’m thankful for the last time we met in sacramento in the middle of our road trip, thankful she got to meet my j, and thankful that she was so well and so in love. i’m thankful for her blue eyes that i borrowed so many times to see further, for her mouth that smiled and talked and sang so brightly and taught me so much, thankful for her laughter that i recall still today, thankful for her ever changing hair cuts, thankful for her pale skin and its warmth, for her innocent irony, and for having the memory to cherish all of this in my heart for as long as i want. 

f.

fsa (3/10/16).