thank you notes (esmé)(9)

-7/21 thursday-

i’m thankful that i currently feel shit at my job. a few weeks ago i said yes to a full-time position in hopes that it would help me become less delusional. it’s working. i’m thankful that i’ve absorbed so much advertising-speak-jargon that in my attempt to write my very first proposal, ever, i’ve completely unravelled. yesterday as i was struggling with it, i actually had a “what is life” moment and wanted to cry. Last night as i tried to explain it to J i just kinda blabbered and then had another moment where i very seriously doubted my ability to speak or explain anything clearly.

i’m thankful that i feel the same way right now. i’m thankful that my boss is editing this proposal less than 10 feet to my left and i really can’t do it. i literally cannot explain in simple words what we’re going to do for this company. and i don’t know why. all that seems to come out is bullshit and confusing ad-speak. i’m thankful that i feel like a failure. i’m thankful that i’m doing an okay job of preventing that black wave from tearing me from the surface that i’m treading on. i’m thankful that when the thoughts of “you’re gonna get fired” swim from the depths that i’m keeping them down.

i’m thankful that i just turned to my boss and kinda blushingly stammered to my boss that i was struggling. i’m thankful that he’s really supportive and not at all mad. i’m thankful that all murkiness and storminess immediately disappeared and it feels literally like day to the night a few minutes ago.

-7/22 friday-

i’m really thankful that i made a really blatant mistake that was just made clear at this new job and i am sitting here wanting to cry. i’m thankful that i am so incredibly hard on myself and it’s because i hold myself to a really high standard and this job has felt like my skillsets are unravelling because i had really been coasting for awhile. i’m thankful that my coworker im-ed me back saying

dont worry, t___ seems pretty calm

ive seen him be mad before, and he is def not mad

i’m thankful that the wave of emotions is slowing already and i don’t feel like i’m drowning. i’m thankful that my immediate response is “i’m going to be fired” which is a feeling that i’ve been getting since i was actually fired from the full time job i moved to nyc with. i’m thankful that to this day, if i think too much about that job i start to have a massive anxiety attack. i’m thankful because people who knew me when i was there knew that there was nothing i could do, no amount of work or effort that would have prevented it. this was when i was arriving at work at 7:30/8a and sometimes not leaving until 10pm. i am thankful to know that i can do the work of many people, take a lot of shit and still not seem to please someone. i’m thankful that to this day i don’t really know what i did wrong. i’m thankful that after a lot of turmoil and establishing my freelance career, i took another full time job. i’m thankful that it was strange from the beginning and that i wasn’t able to really say what it was. most days felt like i was back in highschool or back in this old job, tiptoeing around, trying not to piss off the wrong person. it began to feel very much like the old place. like everyone was eying me and just waiting for me to make the wrong move. i was fired on a thursday afternoon, the same day my best friend moved out to go to LA. i called her crying from union square and she had already made it to Ohio.

i’m thankful that i have this other equally awful reaction which is complete fuck-it self-justifying apathy. literally i think, well this can’t all be my fault. i’m not solely responsible for your bullshit. i didn’t know what was going on. yadda yadda. i’m thankful that i know that this is just me trying to violently counteract the blame.

i’m thankful that in the last few months i’ve had a realization that i don’t dwell well in the area between the two extremes. that i really don’t know how to be placid, or just really okay. for so long i would avoid okay as it was the representation of everything status quo and middle america bland. i’m thankful that i’m starting to see it all as swimming in the ocean. and that you can’t swim where the waves break violently nor can you swim close to shore where the tides most drastically rise and fall. the best places to swim are where the water stays relatively calm, even though it’s always moving.

so i’m thankful that this note is helping me find the calm even though my instinct is to seek out the opposite.

i’m thankful that i ran into my friend rené and she told me because i was lost in myself for the moment “that there’s something to be said for being full of grace” and i’m thankful that i agree.

- esmé (07/22/2016). trying to be graceful (internet places: @esmeawright)
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