thank you notes (esmé)(2)

2/29:
I'm thankful for the East River Ferry. I'm thankful for the 34th street dock that is bathed in sunlight and even though there's a strong winter-tinged wind now, I'm warm. I'm thankful that it reminds me of being a lizard and and how hard it must be to not have warm blood. 

I'm thankful for my blood that poured from the mosquito-like needle into 6 different vials in a windowless room a few blocks from here. I'm thankful for the woman who told me I looked cute and kept calling me ""sugar"" and ""baby"" and how gentle she was when she stuck my right arm. I'm thankful she didn't think I was strange for commenting on how easy it seemed and for how she reminded me that not so long ago not all needles were efficient or disposable. I'm thankful for people in the past who had to sterilize needles and for how much easier plastic makes some things.

I'm thankful that I remembered to text X while I was waiting and that he came down from his neurobiology lab to have lunch with me in the cafeteria of the hospital. I'm thankful for how modern and well-lit the whole place was and for his hug and for how seeing someone in a brand-new location is sometimes strange. I'm thankful that my sideways-stomach nervous feeling dissipated immediately when he hugged me. 

I'm thankful for ramen and how even not so good ramen is comforting and good ramen is exquisite and that the ramen we had fell somewhere smack in the middle. I'm thankful it was on the healthier side of most ramen. 

I'm thankful that X said that he'd come and keep J company on Thursday when I'm in surgery and how that somehow helped make me feel best about this whole thing. I like the thought of them in this clean cafeteria eating slightly better than mediocre ramen while I'm somewhere upstairs in a bright room, unconscious. 

I'm thankful to have met X though J and that they both have these steady scientific minds that compliment mine when it's being unruly. .

4/1:

I'm thankful for a fast surgery and for the simple kindness of everyone associated with my doctor. I'm thankful for everyone knocking on the door and bustling in and out every 3 seconds yesterday and everyone asking me the same first three verification questions ""spell your last name"", ""spell your first name"", ""what's your date of birth""- I'm thankful that I forgot how to spell jennifer because I haven't been that name since 2006 and I'm thankful for the reminder of the opportunity to have been someone else and to have made the active choice to become who I truly am. 

I'm thankful for the reaction everyone has when the find out my birth name and that they all seem so surprised. I'm thankful to be more an esmé than a jennifer. 

I'm thankful that everyone was kind and patient and that the anesthesiologist asked what I worried about promised me nothing bad would happen. I'm thankful that he seemed to break the doctor protocol when he did that, because they're not really supposed to promise that, are they? I'm thankful that he let me wear my grey beanie underneath the blue mesh head cover because I said it made me feel safer. 

I'm thankful that they told me to think about the best dream I've ever had as they held the oxygen to my face and I couldn't think of anything. I'm thankful for the deep blues and greens and slow motion swimming I did before I came to in the recovery area. I'm thankful for the nurse being so kind and the anesthesiologist being there again and winking at me over the fact that I still had the beanie on when they took of the blue mesh head cover. 

I'm thankful that I don't really remember much except desperately wanting water. I hadn't eaten or drank anything since before midnight the day before and it was after 11am. I'm thankful for the humour that the nurse found in my deep desire for just water even though they had a myriad of options. I'm thankful for their ice chips that were easily crunchy and how they made the water perfectly cold. I'm thankful for j's (what I think was) amusement as they let him stay with me for 5 minutes because I don't remember what I said or really much until they had me sitting up across the room. I'm thankful that when I don't know what I'm doing it usually leans silly....

I'm thankful for cab drivers who know exactly where they're going and for sleeping away the afternoon. 

I'm thankful for cabin fever and for going for a slow walk to transmitter park with j and for laughing and for all the flowers and leaves and colors that are just that looming spring on all the doorsteps. I'm thankful for the boys in capes dancing to the phantom of the opera underneath the willow tree at the park and for my reaction to j's gentle laughter at them, that maybe ""they're just living their best life."" I'm thankful for j's real laughter when I say something he likes. 

I'm thankful for Paulie Gee's Pizza and that every single time we go there, Paulie is there in his ball cap clutching his oslo coffee cup happy as can be. I'm thankful to think about how nice it must be to make good pizza for a living. 

I'm thankful to finally start reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn as a semi-drugged out state in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I'm thankful for the street names that have remained the same, and that in my state I could only vaguely place them in the map of my mind. 

I'm thankful for that map and for this place that feels so much like home. 

- esmé (2/29, 4/1).