thank you notes (esmé)(12)

I'm thankful that I went off Birth Control pills.

I'm thankful that I started them in March, to try to alleviate some really terrible PMS/PMDD symptoms I had been experiencing. I'm thankful that the Birth Control initially helped, seemed to help: my PMS timeline decreased and I didn't feel as moody, less swingy, less zero to 100 in less than 2 seconds...I'm thankful that the first few months were better.

I'm also thankful that gradually, I started feeling worse and worse. I'm thankful that it was so incremental that I didn't really know how bad I felt. There was the slow creeping in of constant anxiety. I started waking up and immediately feeling like the walls were covered in tiny sharp things, like my skin was made of old paper, like the space between my insides and skin were softly electrified. It was hard to focus.

I'm thankful that I put on weight, imperceptibly to most, but in my head, it was as if I was hauling around a baby elephant carcass wrapped around my stomach and thighs. . My skin started becoming worse and dry and oily and spotty and weird. My hair got thin, started falling out.

I'm thankful that I suddenly and more frequently had intense fear of death. I'm thankful that I felt like I was failing everyone around me, constantly and obviously...

I'm thankful that somewhere in this swath of bullshit, I was telling myself it was all fine, that I was handling it.

I'm thankful that at the apex of it all, two weeks ago, after a few really terrible, intense and emotionally overwhelming and destructive days I went back to my therapist.

I'm thankful I hadn't seen her since March, since right before I started the pills. Her first words to me after our hellos were, "You seem really unbalanced."

I'm thankful for outside perspective. I'm thankful that she saw immediately that I was not fine. I was not handling anything.

I'm thankful that I stopped taking those pills that night.

I'm thankful, even after 2 weeks, it hasn't been a fairy tale return to "normal". Mostly because there isn't a normal to return to. I'm thankful that I did start feeling physically better within 3 days and every day has gotten a little better.

I'm thankful that I'm PMS/PMDD-ing right now and it's not easy. It's really not easy. I can feel these shifts and slides in my mood. I feel like a strange kaleidoscope spinning and turning and sometimes it's ugly and painful and sometimes it's really pretty ok.

I'm thankful that last night we watched John Oliver talk about the Opioid/Pharma industry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pdPrQFjo2o) and he said something to the effect of- something so terrible within society would not take a quick easy affordable fix, which is funny because the Pharma industry is entirely based on that: quick, easy, affordable fixes.

I'm thankful that I see that mirrored in birth control solutions and in women's health. and sometimes in mental health as well.

I'm thankful for support and alternate therapies and behavior recognition and modification and meditation. I'm thankful for weed and for water and for the process of making a pot of tea. I'm thankful for leaves falling from the trees. I'm thankful for tears and for Chani Nicholas horoscopes. I'm thankful for Thich Naht Hahn books. I'm thankful for yoga and intense climbing sessions.

I'm thankful for all the moments when I'm not trapped inside skin-turned-razor wire and a brain that has blasted off into the alternate world that has no rules or reason.

And I'm thankful for when I feel trapped. I'm thankful that I know for certain I'm not alone in those moments, that there are other people who have felt this way and feel this way. I'm thankful there are people I can turn to, that my therapist hasn't given up on me and that I have a husband, who has borne the brunt of a lot of bullshit but who still tries to see me when I am definitely not myself but also reminds me that inflicting pain on others because I feel pain myself is never okay. I'm thankful for painful lessons.

I'm thankful to share that and all of this. I'm thankful to not feel alone.

- esmé (10/26/2016). internet things: esmeawright

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