thank you notes (esmé)(10)

i'm thankful that j's gone for a few weeks which means it's the longest i've been in our apartment alone since we moved in. i'm thankful that i'm not really thankful for this. that i haven't been sleeping well and while i'm happy for an hour or so of silence and aloneness when i'm home from work and after the hour i really miss being able to just share stupid stuff life stuff with him. it's strange how empty a place feels when the person you've made it a home with is not there.

i'm thankful that we've been planning our wedding as a precursor to an eventual wedding celebration which won't actually happen until we have money and time to actually celebrate in the way we really want to. which is not stressed out, strapped for cash and worried about the end of visas and all the bullshit that goes along with being in love with someone who was not born in the us.

i'm thankful for j's & my plan to head on over to nyc city hall with 2 witnesses and then disappear for a weekend together. i'm thankful that he wants a ring but is superconcerned about losing it because he can't wear it when we're climbing. i'm thankful that my dress arrived a month or so ago and i just remembered i haven't tried it on yet. i'm pretty sure it's fine.

i'm thankful that i called my brother on tuesday to let him know what we were doing and he was totally chill about it. i'm thankful for the moment when i mentioned "un-disney-fying" my brain from all the early impressions of love and romanticism and what a wedding or proposal or even falling in love should look like. i'm thankful he agreed but also warned me about my extended family's aversion to anyone who does anything untraditional.

i'm thankful that what is happening in september is basically the antithesis to the minimal thoughts i had about weddings when i was younger, that were very much colored by disney and whatever stories i had heard about "happily ever after. "

actually as i type this i'm remembering the tattoo i have on my "wedding" finger that i got in LA on a whim a few years ago. it says "piffle tosh" which is something my grandmother would say all the time. for her, it was universal for "you're being absolutely ridiculous" and it was also how she won most arguments. gram would say "oh piffle!" and you were done. she would then serve you sweet sweet almost syrup iced tea with a windmill cookie and that was that.

i'm thankful for this mile marker on my body. when i got it, i was seeing someone who ended up upending my entire life many times over and not always in good ways. i'm thankful that when this person and i began talking about marriage (for similar reasons because he is australian) my stomach turned and i had deep feelings of dread. he even offered me 10k to help pay off some of my crazy debts but that never could bridge the chasm that opened that night.

i'm thankful for that mile marker in my memory. i'm thankful that j knew about this moment very early on and his awareness made our approach to marriage a lot more tender. he has been very attentive to any fears that may arise or any feelings i may have of being taking advantage of. what we've ultimately concluded is that neither of us is really ready to be married. and maybe that's an honest enough start to happily ever after.

i'm thankful that a book appeared on my kindle that i don't remember buying and i started reading it last week. i'm thankful that it was a very thoughtful and simple story about the path a relationship takes and that the true story actually begins after deciding truly to commit to someone.

​"​Our understanding of love has been hijacked and beguiled by its first distractingly moving moments. We have allowed our love stories to end way too early. We seem to know far too much about how love starts, and recklessly little about how it might continue.​"​

​and

​"​Choosing a person to marry is hence just a matter of deciding exactly what kind of suffering we want to endure rather than of assuming we have found a way to skirt the rules of emotional existence.​"​

i'm thankful after finishing the book i finally looked up what it was called (i didn't want to ruin the magic) and it's Alain de Botton's The Course of Love- i'm thankful whatever whim caused me to download it on july 4th. ​

i'm thankful for september 9, 2016 and knowing that, a little over two years after we first met, j and i will commit to whatever comes our way, to endure together​ and a little recklessly...

- esmé (07/29/2016). @esmeawright has been watching waaaay too much game of thrones...

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