thank you notes (anonymous)

I used to think of gratitude as a cloying manipulation, something you were told to feel about a situation in response to raising a complaint or a sentimental way of keeping people in their prescribed place. I always associated it with a stern paternal father, or boss, or God. as a child I hated thanksgiving for all the starchy obligatory gluttony and the cheap faux emotional speeches and the extra-long prayer before the meal it always seemed to require. (I then became the kind of teenager, to no one's great surprise, who never missed a opportunity to point out the violent lie behind the American thanksgiving myth in between bites of stuffing, and then the kind of adult who has come to see a person's feelings surrounding the winter holidays as generally just a way of announcing whether or not they had a happy childhood.)

I'm thankful that after tentatively subscribing to these letters at the recommendation of a writer I like, I've realized it can also be a way of paying attention to and occupying your own life. (the writer Valeria Luiselli said in an interview that the best time to write a book was right after you moved to a new place, because doing so forced you to pay more attention to the world; thank yous can be a way of moving to a new place.) I'm thankful to have suffered enough and been depressed enough times to know that engaging with reality requires real rigor, and is worth the effort. I'm thankful that I now I think gratitude, when pursued instead of imposed, is 'worth it'.

I'm thankful to remember how writing about minutiae, when it's done well, can be warm and expansive and revitalizing. and for the reminder that reading about the personal details of other people's lives, inner and outer, has always been my favorite thing to do online. I'm thankful that since subscribing I've been noticing my personal reality in higher definition, with a sharper focus. 

I'm thankful that I found these letters during a time of intense stress and unemployment and that reading them each morning became a calming ritual for me while I was trapped in the circle of hell that involves writing insincere cover letters. I'm thankful that all the often funny, always sharply observed and interesting thank yous surrounding work and office minutiae and coworkers in these letters have had the cumulative affect of making me feel more optimistic and lighthearted about the job I'm going to start this week. I'm thankful I got the job, and that the presence of a new structure in my life is gong to allow me to notice many new things. I'm thankful my ridiculous job title makes me laugh and that the woman who gave it to me mentioned in the same phone call that they offered free catered lunch three times a week. I'm thankful to remember that paying attention can be a pleasure. 

- anonymous (2/21/16).