thank you notes 6/28
i'm thankful for my small emergency stash of xanax. i'm thankful that i thought i had lost them for several years but then found the orange plastic bottle with the faded label in the back of a drawer the last time we moved. i'm thankful for the first time i had xanax and how it ended a multi-day terror where i thought i was literally on the verge of death and made me feel normal and calm and unafraid. i'm thankful that no doctor has ever felt comfortable prescribing them to me on a regular basis, even though sometimes i've (intensely) wished they would, because that has prevented me from becoming addicted to them. i'm thankful that the one time i tried a vicodin, after getting my wisdom teeth out, i became violently ill and had to lie on my side in fetal position from the nausea until d could get home to give me dramamine.
i'm thankful that i survived my first day of work. i'm thankful that it was difficult and stressful but also thankful to know that most of the difficulty and stress were things i imposed on it myself. i'm thankful to remind myself that it's okay (and encouraged) to ask questions and that nobody expects me to understand everything perfectly and immediately. i'm thankful that though i did struggle with some of the training, it was, as i said to my supervisor, "mostly productive struggling." i'm thankful that there was a "i've made a horrible mistake" moment in the afternoon where i wondered why i had left my cushy easy job for this but thankful that i just kept plugging away and felt better by the end of the day.
i'm thankful that d gave me a ride to work so that i could bring donuts from the good donut shop and i'm thankful that people ate them. i'm thankful for how quiet the office is in comparison to the office where i used to work, how most of the time all you can hear is the air conditioner and the sounds of people's fingers clicking across their keyboards. i'm thankful that today i will take a lunch break and meditate during it and that i will pay more attention to the quality of my breath and my posture, both of which were abysmal yesterday. i'm thankful that i will listen to music that will make me feel more relaxed.
i'm thankful that even though i was exhausted when i got home last night and didn't want to, i sorted and packed the recyclables and trash and took them down to the street for collection this morning. i'm thankful to flatten boxes and wedge them in against each other between the plastic walls of the bins. i'm thankful for the clatter of thrown cans against each other. i'm thankful for the way that the plastic containers for strawberries and blueberries, when empty, fit perfectly into each other.
i'm thankful to signal boost d's ask.me question about cute dogs on snapchat and to request on her behalf that you email me usernames for any other cute dogs on snapchat. i'm thankful it's summer, even if there are negative side effects. i'm thankful for the mashup artist bruneaux, who i learned about from an ask.me about girltalk. i'm thankful for his "the art of noise" tape, which i am listening to and enjoying while i write these notes. i'm thankful for girl talk's feed the animals, which i think is probably my favorite running album ever and which i hope i never tire of completely. i'm thankful for my favorite parts, which i think are the jackson 5/queen and salt and pepa/nirvana.
i'm thankful we finally got our tax return. i'm thankful that i'm writing these notes with a time limit for the first time and that it doesn't feel like it will be too hard to do on a regular basis. i'm thankful that once i send these out, i'll have time to go for a run and maybe even meditate or do some yoga before i head to the office. i'm thankful that i made time to do yoga and qigong last night before bed and that they made me feel good. i'm thankful that while practicing my juggling, i decided that there should be a therapeutic juggling book called mindful balling.
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