(moe)(9)

i'm thankful i went to a social networking event tonight. i'm thankful it was christmas themed. i'm thankful this annoyed me because i don't like themed parties and also, christmas. i'm thankful i refuse to buy a christmas jumper because i don't enjoy them. i'm thankful that because i wasn't wearing a christmas jumper, i felt self-conscious. i'm thankful i could only get there about an hour late because of work. i'm thankful this worsened my anxiety. i'm thankful i had to calm myself down by saying 'you're okay, you're okay' over and over again. i'm thankful this helped avert a panic attack i saw coming. i'm thankful to realise i might have freaked someone out. i'm thankful for the picture of me stood on the side of gloucester road, giving myself a hug and whispering to myself. i'm thankful to not care. i'm thankful it was actually okay and i had fun. i'm thankful some of my colleagues were there and i had great conversations with them. i'm thankful for m, who got a new job she's starting on monday. i'm thankful for how excited she was and how happy i am for her. i'm thankful for j who got married last month. i'm thankful i asked about his honeymoon and actually enjoyed hearing about it. i'm thankful he asked how my phd is going and i gave him an honest answer- going okay. i'm thankful we talked about it for a while and he told me how happy he is for me. i'm thankful he said it's been great watching me through the years. i'm thankful to have not noticed the years.

i'm thankful for some of the work i'm doing in the lab at the moment. i'm thankful one of the more interesting ones is with essential oils. i'm thankful to have gone with p, my colleague to holland and barrett this morning. i'm thankful for holland and barrett which tries to sell itself as a healthy store. i'm thankful this makes me angry. i'm thankful a 'healthy' store should not have weight loss pills for sale. i'm thankful that even though i know this, i spend a lot of money when i go there. i'm thankful i don't go there often. i'm thankful we bought star anise, eucalyptus oil, lime oil, clove oil and grapeseed oil. i'm thankful we went overboard. i'm thankful we're trying to study the antimicrobial effects of essential oils. i'm thankful for the flapjacks i bought at holland and barrett.

i'm thankful for lunch in the refectory today. i'm thankful it was mutton curry. i'm thankful i bought it because i don't cook meat for myself. i'm thankful it should have been great. i'm thankful it was awful, it was awful. i'm thankful it came with a mango slaw and that saved my lunch. i'm thankful my coconut flapjack also saved my lunch. i'm thankful to still have the icky taste of fat in my mouth. i'm thankful for my dinner of fruit loaf and sardines. i'm thankful i haven't had sardines in a while and am always surprised by how much i like them.

i'm thankful l and i had our connect group over on tuesday. i'm thankful because i really enjoy throwing dinner parties. i'm thankful for how much detail we put into planning the evening. i'm thankful to sometimes make the effort. i'm thankful for the sweet potato stew i made. i'm thankful everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and it was an all-round great evening. i'm thankful that after serving the food i ran away to my room for about 20 minutes for introvert time. i'm thankful i realised i needed it. i'm thankful my friends now understand how much i need this to be sociable. i'm thankful i like spending time with people i like and feel safe with. i'm thankful i made too much food (i cooked enough to feed about 30 people!). i'm thankful l took a picture of the mountain of food i was making and sent it to people on their way to us. i'm thankful that because i cooked too much i was able to take the leftover stew to work with me for my colleagues. i'm thankful that when i told them i was bringing food in they were all excited. i'm thankful to think that i helped make someone's day brighter with food. i'm thankful food is one of the ways i know how to love people. i'm thankful people seem to enjoy food i cook.

i'm thankful after writing all this to state that i am tired. i'm thankful this year has been hard and tough and i can't believe i have at least 20 more working days before i get a break. i'm thankful just thinking about it makes me cry. i'm thankful but i'm tired. i'm tired. really tired. it's been awful and i'm tired to my bones but i'm thankful.

- moe. 12/1/16.

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