(moe)(15)

i'm thankful for my friend n, who i've been thankful for a lot lately. i'm thankful he's an architect (architectural artist, he would counter) and he's worked on a lot of new builds in London. i'm thankful he's incredibly smart and excellent at what he does. i'm thankful he's such an amazing friend. i'm thankful a lot of times i don't think i actually deserve him as a friend. i'm thankful he is kind- one of the kindest people i know. i'm thankful that sometimes gets him in trouble but it's good trouble. i'm thankful, because he's so intuitive and perceptive, he's able to look out for me in ways others have never been able to. 

i'm thankful two weeks ago, when i didn't get my visa in time to go to a conference, he and his brother j had me over for the weekend. i'm thankful they made me a curry (according to my specs). i'm thankful we had naan bread, rice, curry and loads of beer. i'm thankful for the fruit i brought along to make a salad for desert. i'm thankful i bought the fruit on the way to his instead of from the store just by his. i'm thankful that of course, the raspberries got squashed and left a red trail while i got off and on the tube. i'm thankful the salad was delicious anyway.

i'm thankful that evening was amazing. i'm thankful i introduced him to kimmy schmidt and drag race. i'm thankful we watched tv till about 3am, fell asleep in the lounge and woke up in the lounge. i'm thankful now he won't stop chatting to me about the shows. i'm thankful that on sunday j had to go somewhere so he left and n and i just chilled and chatted for hours. i'm thankful we can talk about everything from supposedly flimsy things like kimmy scmidt to really deep things like what goes on in therapy. i'm thankful for the spaghetti arrabiata i made to say thank you. 

i'm thankful to remember the first time i ever thought i might like him. i'm thankful it was a night when we sat on the steps of st. augustine queensgate and chatted for hours in 2 degree weather. i'm thankful a lot of our heart to hearts happen on steps. i'm thankful because of some ethical considerations i couldn't make a move at the time. i'm thankful i was actually perfectly fine with being friends with him and then we just started to become really, really close friends. i'm thankful for the night where we sat on the dirty steps behind south ken station and talked to midnight because he was having a bad day and he needed to talk to someone about it. i'm thankful i could be there for him.

i'm thankful those feelings still stayed as feelings are wont to do. i'm thankful the other day after dinner, we sat watching telly in silence and it felt really intimate, like a moment i would want to freeze time in. i'm thankful at that point to have felt the need to tell him how i really feel. i'm thankful i was very ready to risk it all and tell him. i'm thankful that instead i chatted with my girl squad about it and we all came to the same conclusion that i should do it because i hadn't been sleeping.  i'm thankful i asked him to hangout the other day and we snuck up to the top of the southbank centre and had a drink on the terrace. i'm thankful we watched the sunset together and again it felt really intimate. i'm thankful i did risk it all and told him. i'm thankful i had enough courage to do it.

i'm thankful i prefaced with the fact that i didn't want it to change our friendship and he didn't have to reciprocate the feeling. i'm thankful for the conversation we had after i told him. i'm thankful because it made him sad he couldn't reciprocate the feeling. i'm thankful we tried to resolve what that means for our relationship at the moment. i'm thankful for the maturity that shone through the conversation. i'm thankful for how he said 'are you okay?' and i said i just needed a hug and he hugged me really tight. i'm thankful that even though i was really sad the day after and just spent most of the day crying in the bathroom at work, i am now fine. i'm thankful that even though i decided to risk it all, nothing has changed and we are still really good friends and still text everyday. 

i'm thankful for the privilege of being friends with this empathetic, smart, beautiful and hilarious man.

i'm thankful for the gift of friendship.

i'm thankful that i love nick with everything with me. i'm thankful this will only strengthen our friendship.

moe (crying in a bathroom stall)

p.s. yes, this is a love letter, they still exist.

- moe (7/8/17).