i'm thankful i facetimed t tonight and we caught up on life. i'm thankful when he asked how i was really doing, i paused, thought about it and when i was about to say okay laughed instead. i'm thankful to have expressed to him that i'd normalised a load of stuff and i only worry when the things i've normalised get out of hand. i'm thankful t understood what i meant. i'm thankful t understands. i'm thankful for the interesting point he made about how a lot of things are abstract to people who haven't experienced them. i'm thankful to understand this and hope that people can still have some space to empathise with things they don't understand.
i'm thankful things are hard at the moment.
i'm thankful it feels like the friends who are geographically close to me don't understand. i'm thankful they do and really, really care about me. i'm thankful to keep reminding myself about this. i'm thankful to understand that they probably don't know how to help me other than pray. i'm thankful it doesn't help that i'm an introverted semi-hermit. i'm thankful i don't even know how they could help. i'm thankful to give my friends space to be human. i'm thankful to hope that they are not scared or put off by the unrelenting sadness i seem to be carrying around.
i'm thankful that because i have bipolar disorder when i start to downslide, it is remarkably obvious to everyone around me. i'm thankful it means cancelling plans and not responding to messages. i'm thankful it means not putting in my best work. i'm thankful it worries me that people will think i'm not consistent or reliable. i'm thankful this is a concern my supervisor has expressed about me to someone else.
i'm thankful bipolar disorder is shit and messed up and i should never normalise it. i'm thankful it is not part of who i am or how i am. i'm thankful it's not some trial i'm going through, a burden i can carry or something that will make me stronger. i'm thankful it has the power and potential to kill me. i'm thankful to hope it doesn't.
- moe (5.4.2017).