(moe)(10)

i'm thankful for a time when christmas was my favourite time of the year. i'm thankful for my memory of one of my favourite christmases. i'm thankful i was about 10 or 11 and had 3 of my cousins over for the holidays. i'm thankful my dad was home after being away for almost a year at his job. i'm thankful both my parents decided not to work on that christmas. i'm thankful even though there were three other rooms, all six of us kids brought our mattresses in the living room and camped there. i'm thankful on christmas eve, we all dressed as elves and drove to one of my mum's friends who had young kids to surprise them. i'm thankful my dad was dressed as santa- a rather fetching one. i'm thankful for the delight on their faces as we handed them gifts and the actual surprise on their parents' faces. i'm thankful that after, we all bundled up in our new PJs and turned the air conditioner in our 'camp' to 12 degrees because we wanted a white christmas. i'm thankful we made some hot chocolate and watched the grinch who stole christmas. 

 

i'm thankful on christmas morning we decided to skip church and had a full english breakfast instead. i'm thankful we spent about four hours making lunch and watching mtv. i'm thankful we had an amazing lunch feast- jollof rice, fried rice, fried plantain, stewed beef and chicken. i'm thankful for fanta and maltina and chi exotic pineapple and coconut. i'm thankful we ate so much we fell asleep and woke up at about 10pm. i'm thankful my dad warmed up some christmas pudding and we had some with ice cream. i'm thankful for the feeling of being curled up in a duvet on a mattress in a freezing room with the best people in my life at the moment. i'm thankful that feeling has stayed with me. 

 

i'm thankful to not remember when christmas became something i don't enjoy. i'm thankful part of it is triggered by being alone (and sometimes lonely). i'm thankful i've tried almost everything to try to make it easier- do it with friends, do it with a partner, do it by myself and nothing has changed. i'm thankful to feel okay in company and become miserable (or at least more miserable). i'm thankful to accept that i don't know how to fix this and try to make it easier for me to bear. i'm thankful for the kindness of my friends who know how difficult it is for me. i'm thankful l made me a self-care package before she went off to australia today. i'm thankful for c offering to come back a couple of days early to keep me company. i'm thankful. i'm thankful for o saying we could have a session on tuesday because she knows how hard christmas is for me. 

 

i'm thankful, having said that, to still enjoy some bits of christmas traditions. i'm thankful for carols- o holy night and the first noel, my faves. i'm thankful for carols from kings which i watch every christmas eve. i'm thankful i really love giving and receiving gifts and christmas is a time to do both without being weird. i'm thankful that every year, i forget to post my cards early and end up being thankful i always have a theme for the gifts i give. i'm thankful this year's is books, much better than last year's homemade snacks (epic fail). i'm thankful for the books i bought my cousin's kids. i'm thankful to think they are books i'd have liked to read when i was their age. i'm thankful the gifts i've received already- scented hand cream from both my work secret santas ???) and some lovely scented tea lights. i'm thankful for my reddit secret santa. i'm thankful they sent me four books- 3 of which are the different versions of the same thing. i'm thankful for this person who even though my profile says i'm doing a science phd sent me three books essentially explaining complex science simply. i'm thankful to appreciate the irony and the effort and time and money spent on getting me a christmas gift. 

 

i'm thankful for christmas.

may your days be merry and bright.

 

moe - 18/12/16 (hammersmith).

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