(kflo)(9)

hi--

i'm thankful to report to you a broken heart. i'm in the heat of it and would probably take back half of the things written here in the morning when i wake up slightly groggy from the benadryl i just took.

i feel psychic and emotional pain, but i'm thankful that this pain is not prompted by a boy not liking me back. instead it's prompted by... the trick of time? picture this: three, four weeks ago, i told the very first girl i like and have fallen in love with that i like and have fallen in love with her. she had a lot of vague confusing indirect things to say about it, including but not limited to: "i still like the boy i like who lives twelve hours away from me and of which i casually had a fling with about one year ago but i haven't gotten closure from yet, idk what really happened there i hope i could clear it up soon"; "i think i like you but i'm not sure if i can identify with it [liking a girl romantically/sexually]"; and "i think i like you [insert two line breaks] but i wanna get married and have kids." ... i'm thankful to think that these are all ~fine~ and thankful that i told her i'm not asking for a Complete Life Overhaul; what's important is that she knows and that my actions and intentions for her are rooted in that truth.

i'm thankful to have thought she understood, but then days after our conversations began taking the form of having expectations from each other that only romantic couples/people who are actually dating take on. i'm thankful for my earth sign instincts, which is always to ground something, and so i was prompted to ask what were we doing/what's happening/let me know what you think this is... to which i got no reply from. nothing. just vague and random pop-ups of sweet, caring messages. which break my heart everytime. everytime. i'm thankful to think that not only is this vague and confusing, but also maybe i'm overthinking things a little too much?

i'm thankful for the full moon in sagittarius tonight. (she's a sag, can u believe) i'm thankful, after trying to do yoga in my little living space tonight, to have cried and broke down on my makeshift mat and that i was treating the breakdown as an extension of all the deep breaths i took. more shavasana. how my body still needs more. in and out. more deep breaths.

i'm thankful to notice how my body reacts and cringes to pain, and for how it also accommodates and houses it. i'm thankful to have taken the benadryl. i'm thankful to have scrubbed my face raw (but in a skincare-y gentle way) of tears, the act of which made me silently sob more in front of my blue sink. i'm thankful to have noticed for the first time, while brushing my teeth absentmindedly and weakly, the patterned blue flowers (i can't tell which kind) of the sink tiles.

i'm thankful for this pain. thankful to know that this is something i will learn from, someday soon but certainly not now. for now i will cry all the tears, take all the long walks in all the different routes in this small city, listen to all the music, do all the yoga and perfect the peaceful warrior poses and have my abdomen and core muscles shake from a nice, good, long plank. also i will be sure to read all the books, including the one she lent me just this summer ("from my grandmother's house," she told me) about a bengali family trying to thrive in america. i, too, am trying to thrive. just not in america.

i'm thankful to make a promise that this time i will not stop myself from feeling all the feelings. i will feel all the feelings, even the ones that i do not want to feel. because i'm stubborn as fuck. i will let myself feel all of them, and from there i'll report back to you. maybe it'll take a long time and you'll no longer care. but still i'm thankful.

- kflo (5/29).