(j)(2)

i'm thankful for aphantasia, which is something i didn't know existed until a half an hour ago. i'm thankful for my comical reaction to hearing the definition -- ""what, you're telling me people actually see things in their mind?"" -- and immediate texting of friends to ask if they see pictures in their minds or just concepts. 

i'm thankful for articles on it, which perfectly explain how ludicrous ""counting sheep"" has always seemed to me -- i always imagined it as some sort of ping-pong in my head, physically moving my eyes from one side to the other like a cat chasing a dot on the wall. i'm thankful that around the age of 8 i realized this never did me any good, so i started listening to audiobooks to fall asleep instead. i'm thankful that auditory stimulation, at least, sticks with me, and that i can imagine sounds if not pictures. 

i'm thankful that this is, in fact, more humorous than anything else; i'm thankful for the bafflement that people talking to me have experienced (""what, you /don't/ see pictures? well... what do you see?"" ""nothing?""). i'm thankful for my first thought, ""this is why i'm shit at descriptive writing!"", which isn't true (or at least, it isn't entirely true) but did make me laugh.

i'm thankful that i'm still learning things about myself (and of course i am, i'm only 22). i'm thankful that it's 11am right now and yesterday i had three panic attacks but today (so far!) i haven't had a single one. i'm thankful, too, that yesterday i read two books by anne carson, though i told myself i would space her books out so i don't run out too quickly. i'm thankful to consider rereading ""antigonick"", a translation of sophocles, with this new knowledge in my head -- i'm thankful to imagine what reading a play must be like for people who can form pictures in their heads, though i'm thankful for the way i read them as well. 

i'm thankful for crossword puzzles, which have kept me feeling safe over the last two weeks, which have been a bad two weeks. i'm thankful that i can accept that the time has been bad without feeling hopeless. i'm thankful to have considered using the word ""sane"" at first, but realizing that with a single letter shift something much more accurate is revealed.

- j (3/5/17).