(J)(2)

I’m thankful for the horrible feeling of being let down and heartbent. I'm thankful that "heartbroken" actually feels too strong a word, which is a good sign. I’m thankful that I can’t stop almost-crying and worrying that everyone will notice I’ve been almost-crying. I’m thankful for disproportionate responses (or not?). I’m thankful to be unsure about the validity of my own feelings. I’m thankful to realistically not be thankful for these things at all, but that one day I will be thankful for them. I’m thankful to know things I thought weren’t possible, are in fact possible, even when they don’t come to fruition. I’m thankful that almost makes it worse, but won’t feel that way soon. I’m thankful to be sad today, at least for a little bit. I’m thankful to start feeling better even as I write this, which is kind of magical.

I’m thankful for Starbucks vanilla lattes. I’m thankful to *like them* like them but sometimes worry that people will judge my coffee order, and then think this is a ridiculous thing to worry about. I’m thankful to order them anyway because today it made me happy. I'm thankful to generally worry too much about what other people think, and to admit it to myself, and to hope that doing so will make me less inclined to worry in the first place. I'm thankful for when writing about a latte is not actually about a latte. But still, I’m thankful to be able to afford frivolities here and there.

I’m thankful for other small joys: a friend texting “It’s below 70 degrees so I guess I’ll start dating now”, Emoji Aquarium https://twitter.com/EmojiAquarium, my dad’s response to the DWTS drama (“Reserving opinion till next week”), the perfect version https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zAThXFOy2c of “Tennessee Whiskey,” a compliment from my boss.

I’m thankful for my sisters who try their best. I’m thankful for when their best is exactly enough. I'm thankful to feel known, which is one of the most heartwarming things I think a person can feel. I’m thankful to write about something that feels worth writing about, even if that’s just to me. And I’m thankful to you for reading this, and maybe having felt this, and to hope that you are doing ok. 

- J (10/5/17).