don't read if you just ate or are at work (butt stuff)
1. the spotify playlist feelin' myself, because one of my favorite flavors of music is joyously aggressive female rap groups (formal ones (often duos) like city girls, flyana boss, etc. but also more informal collabs in the vein of "WAP" often involving some permutation of cardi, nicki, megan (my personal boygenius), ice spice, saweetie, doja, flo milli, glorilla, etc.). i tried going on a run after work the other day because it was nice outside but immediately was confronted by a fact i already knew which is i don't have the energy to actually run at that point in the day (maybe i need to eat an afternoon snack) and should stop trying, but it was really nice outside so instead of going home i decided to convert it to a walk and was listening to the playlist on shuffle to find new songs to listen to when actually running and after listening to the first song on the playlist at the time, "pound town 2", which begins with sexxy red slurring, "I'm out of town, thuggin' with my rounds / My coochie pink, my booty-hole brown", was struck by how like every third song on the playlist i hadn't heard had a part about ass eating.
2. as previously reported we got a new bidet toilet seat a couple of months ago and it's been great and because it's nicer than the first one and has more features the remote has a lot more butt...ons (sorry) on it with little pictures expressing the things the buttons do (it has 18 buttons i counted). after i installed it, i immediately noticed how powerful it was (even more striking by comparison because the previous one had been limping along after months of weak stream), like the stream was so sharp and strong it felt like i was pressure washing myself and at times almost kind of hurt (but i own a spike mat and fucking love hitting my trigger points till they hurt so good and so i wasn't like against this, but was still a bit taken aback and surprised to think that it was what they decided most consumers want!). yesterday i was sitting on the toilet after doing my business and about to hit the button i always hit (which has a picture of a dotted line stream of water going up a butt) when i noticed that elsewhere on the remote was another button with a picture of a stream of water going up a butt (but more of a wave than a beam) and i was like "huh i wonder what's different" and anyway tl;dr i learned that all this time i have not been using the normal wash setting but instead what the manual describes as—i shit you not (sorry)—"VORTEX wash".
3. unrelated to #2 (sorry), one of our toilets has been clogged for the last two days and i'm thankful we have a backup toilet downstairs in our basement and that both deborah and i independently realized after a day of the upstairs toilet being out of business that without reducing our (prodigious) water consumption we had both peed much less often than we normally do without really thinking about the fact that it was happening or feeling like we were "holding it" and anyway despite much effort and anger i could not get the toilet unclogged with plunger, snake, and multiple "green gobbler" products (1, 2) and in my desperation to not have to deal with a plumber or continue doing these other seemingly futile solutions, i bought what i can only describe as a toilet gun, which is a plastic gun-shaped thing that has a plunger flange on one end and a hand pump on the other and you pump it up 40 times like you are a child trying to really hurt someone with a BB gun which pumping builds up air pressure in the gun and then you stick it into the toilet and and pull the trigger and the air shoots down the pipe to dislodge the clog and it worked immediately all hail the toilet gun.
(p.s. i'm moving this newsletter to butt...ondown (sorry). it will continue to be free and i have no plans to really change anything, tinyletter has just gotten too annoying to deal with in 2023)