(c)(9)

i'm thankful to feel lost. i'm thankful for how it feels like a lie to write that, a lie i might perhaps be telling myself so as to calm myself. i'm thankful for this impasse i've come to and to recognize that this impasse represents the true sense of blindness i feel. what do you want to do? what are you doing here? i'm thankful for these questions and i'm thankful for my lack of answers. 

i'm thankful to take each day as a day to potentially find answers to my ever-growing list of questions. i'm thankful to think that maybe i am. 

i'm thankful to have recently, in the midst of a bumper-to-bumper traffic-jam, turned to j and told him how i think the one thing i'm certain i want to do with my life is be a good father. i'm thankful for how small this sounds, and yet so incredibly big for me to think about. i'm thankful this has been a desire of mine through so many plans, a fact which has come to my attention as of late with many of my old ones being reevaluated. i'm thankful to now recognize that sometimes we create plans in fear of the unknown; sometimes we make plans so we don't have to embrace the process of coming to learn who we are. 

i'm thankful for how lost i feel. i'm thankful to hope that soon a path makes itself known. 

- c (3/5/17).