(c)(8)

i'm thankful for my mother. i'm thankful that she told me last week she was sending me a package, and though it hasn't arrived yet, it has led to an excited anticipation that i'm thankful to feel. i'm thankful for customer loyalty programs—despite the fact i am only a member of a very few number of them. i'm thankful for my mom's customer loyalty program at panera because it always leads to them calling for m and then looking at me a bit confused whenever i'm m. i'm thankful that my sister and i both use my mom's panera card. i'm thankful that they always tell me of the pending coupons i have available, but i don't take them because i'm afraid my mother will want them—i'm thankful my sister does not have this same fear. i'm thankful that i did take one of the coupons this morning and texted my mom to tell her i had only to receive a response from her to take them more often because she always forgets about them anyways. i'm thankful for the irony of this.

i'm thankful that so many of the 'problems' of my life can be summed up to humorous irony thanks to the majority of them being me worrying about stupid things. i'm thankful that my number one worry lately has been j, a boy i thought i was just going to have a one-night-stand with a few weeks ago, and yet i've continued to see. i'm thankful for how kind he is, how wonderful he makes me feel with his incredibly nice words. i'm thankful that he makes me worry that i'm not treating him well, because this is a sign that i am concerned for the well-being of others—a check ensuring i'm not being rude.

i'm thankful to have realized that after a broke up with me, i stopped really looking at men for relationships and rather as something closer to wine: something fun to do to make yourself feel nice when you're feeling lonely. i'm thankful that i understand how problematic that view is. i'm thankful to think that i'm trying to avoid it, but i also feel a certain bit of fear that i'm hurting j by not having fully flushed it away. i'm thankful for the anxiety i have about the mix of emotions i have about j. i'm thankful for how afraid i am of hurting him, how afraid i am of losing him. i'm thankful for the duality of that. i'm thankful to be continuing to stick to my plan of just giving the problem—it seems so cold to call such a sweet boy a 'problem'—will resolve itself with time. i'm thankful to be able to see how much j wants more from me; how he truly wants to be more than just two friends that sleep together. i'm thankful for the fear i have that i'm leading him on. i'm thankful for my friends that assure me i'm not.

i'm thankful today is friday which means shabbat begins this evening. i'm thankful to think the day of rest is close upon us. i'm thankful to recognize that rest is what i need most right now.

- c (12/09/2016).
previously: http://tinyletter.com/thankyounotes/letters/c-7