(c)(14)

i'm thankful that even though i’ve felt myself sliding back into a depression over the last few weeks, i’ve been through this many times before and know how to keep myself afloat while i’m at my lowest. i’m thankful that i’m finally communicating with the people around me honestly and have started declining invitations by saying i don’t feel up for it, like i did last week when i was asked to go to a work happy hour. i’m thankful that i didn't make up an excuse and then later feel guilty about lying, like i would have done even a few months ago.

 

i'm thankful for my partner who is patient and kind and generous. i’m thankful that he encouraged me to take our dog to the dog park even though i was in a low mood and wanted to watch tv on the couch all day. i’m thankful that he started cleaning our apartment while i was gone because i feel my best when our home is tidy but struggle with keeping it that way when i’m sad. i’m thankful that, when i tell him i worry that he will stop loving me when i’m depressed (because it’s no fun to love a depressed person), he assures me he will always love me. i’m thankful that he gently says, “you’re doing it right now,” after i shoot down the nice things he says to me, because when i am depressed i seek validation but dismiss it just to get more. i’m thankful that we talk about my negative coping strategies openly and work on them together.

 

i’m thankful that there is some snow on the ground but that it wasn't too cold out today. i’m thankful that i live in a city that invests a lot of resources into its park system. i’m thankful that my dog is loyal and stays close to me even when he’s off leash. i’m thankful that the walk at the park was energizing and motivated me to start working on a side project i’ve been wanted to develop for a while. i’m thankful for the brainstorming i was able to get done. i’m thankful for [the new staves + ymusic album](https://open.spotify.com/album/6NVm8btVQMasfbswZjwEIp), which i listened to while walking and thinking.

 

i’m thankful that my favorite salesperson at the bicycle shop + coffee bar i stopped at on the way home asked me what i was up to today. i’m thankful for customer service people who remember me and enable a familiarity that makes me feel cared for and known. i’m thankful that i have access to a businesses that is both bicycle shop and coffee bar because bicycles and coffee are things that i really enjoy.

 

i’m thankful that when i got home i had enough energy to start laundry and catch up on work i didn’t get done last week because i was feeling low. i’m thankful that the company i work for allows me to have flexible hours so i can sleep in or go home early or take breaks when i need to. i’m thankful that i trust my coworkers and have many people i can talk to there if this depression takes a turn for the worst and starts affecting my work.

 

i’m thankful that this newsletter is written in all lowercase because i also write in all lowercase when the correspondence is casual. i’m thankful that writing out a list of things i’m thankful for has made me feel much better. i’m thankful that i’m ending today relaxed and content, the way all sundays should be ended.

- c (12/10/17)