c(13)

i’m thankful none of my students died today. i’m thankful that i can genuinely say that, because in my anxiety-driven nightmares, one of the common scenarios seemed to be one of kids dying on the first day of school.  

i’m thankful for the moments of calm, and the small moments of connectedness I had with some of them, even if the majority of the day can simply be summed up by the word “chaos.” i’m thankful to have managed to remain calm the entire day even when at times it felt like the world might be falling apart.   

i’m thankful for the shacharit service we had, even if the kids couldn’t have cared any less. i’m thankful i could still enjoy singing along to the prayers as i wandered back and forth between the two sections of my class—who had been split up due to a lack of seats. i’m thankful to have chuckled to myself at one point in my amidah; walking back toward my second group of kids as i mumbled the list of the matriarchs only to interrupt my prayer with, ‘l, i need you on your feet,’ and then returning to my prayers. i’m thankful to have thought in my head, ‘well certainly not the most concentrated prayer, but a prayer nonetheless.’

 i’m thankful the rest of the teachers were all present for shacharit because we all got to share stories of insanity. i’m thankful that no revolts occurred in my classroom, even if d called for a revolt on three separate occasions. i’m thankful none of my students physically attacked each other today—which cannot be said of all my teaching partners.

i’m thankful to have told j when he picked me up, ‘i forgot kids hated school.’ i’m thankful to have learned j too tried to start a revolt in sunday school.

i’m thankful for everyone who has encouraged me even as i’ve teetered on excited and absolutely terrified. i’m thankful that even though my first day was not the best, i at least kept everyone safe, and at the end of the day, that’s my greatest job.

- c (9/10/17).