(c)(13)

i’m thankful to be lost. i’m thankful to know—and to admit—i’m lost. i’m thankful that being lost is a necessary step in understanding what i want out of the world around me; that being lost provides a very simple set of responsibilities and expectations: figure out what you desire and take care of those you love—including yourself. 

i’m thankful to have now spent around a year admitting i’m lost, but i’m even more thankful now to feel as though being lost isn’t something to be feared, but embraced. 

i’m thankful to recognize i’ve done a poor job of embracing “the lost” over my last year; that i have verbalized and tortured myself with the state of being, but have rushed quickly to form order—or at times lack thereof as a protest to the seemingly orderlessness of it. i’m thankful now to recognize i must embrace the lost and open my eyes again. 

i’m thankful for the new mindset i have adopted toward being lost; a mindset which looks back to the opportunities i have accepted in my rush to order as spaces to explore who i am and who i wish to be. 

i’m thankful i called my grandfather to wish him a happy birthday yesterday. i’m thankful the when i called, my family was sat around him at the table, enjoying birthday cake and ice cream. i’m thankful he went around the table telling me where each person was sat, and to have been able to see their dinning room and faces around me, despite my lack of being there. i’m thankful for the sense of homesickness this brought me, of suddenly wanting to be back with the people i love and who love me—no matter how lost i may feel. 

i’m thankful for the frustratingly complex feelings of love and longing, because i know they are what compose the human experience. i’m thankful that these complex feelings move; that the anxiety and uncomfortableness can wear thin and leave in their wake a longing. i’m thankful that often times the feelings left once the waters settle are even more complex and confusing than the feelings which preceded them, because this is what it means to live. 

i’m thankful to be writing again, and i’m hopeful it will help me understand just how i want to live. 

thank you

- c (11/15/17).