(c)(11)

i'm thankful i woke up to rain this morning. i'm thankful for the laziness that seems to fill my bones on rainy mornings that makes it so difficult to get out of bed. i'm thankful j must feel this too as he didn't wake up.

i'm thankful j didn't wake up this morning while i was getting dressed. i'm thankful he could sleep in despite how much i would have liked to have seen his face, his smile grumbling a low, "good morning." i'm thankful that i never purposely wake j up, but rather my absence from the bed stirs him awake. i'm thankful for all of the times i've come back into the room after my shower to find him grumpily scrolling through facebook. i'm thankful for the mornings where i've gotten out of the shower to see texts on my phone, 'hi,' 'good morning,' 'come back,' 'please.' i'm thankful for the amusement i've felt a number of times after walking back into the room, having read those messages, and finding j back asleep. 

i'm thankful for the excitement i'm starting to really feel about the house i'm moving into later this month. i'm thankful for how absolutely terrifying it is to think about–me! a house? away from the midwest???. i'm thankful for the anxiety i feel in my stomach, concerned i won't be able to make rent. i'm thankful for this anxiety because i know it comes from a good place; a place that wants to protect my romantic and platonic relationships, friendships, and save face. i'm thankful to recognize it is this anxiety that has made me weary of talking too much about the house with my parents–i couldn't embarrass myself, or them, asking for money. 

i'm thankful to have started using an app to keep track of my finances. i'm thankful for its push notifications that inform me how much money i've spent 'over the last few days.' i'm thankful these messages have gotten me to slow down my spending, realizing i need to be more responsible. i'm thankful to be using the app even if it makes me nervous with its questions of 'what is your income,' a question that very bluntly i do not know the answer to. i'm thankful this is not based on a lack of understanding of the definition of 'income' per se, but more to do with the fact that i have two part-time jobs–whose schedules are seemingly always changing–that i'm just trying to make rent with.

i'm thankful to have realized last night when watching 'the help' with j, i need to start writing again. i'm thankful to have thought that many times in my life, and to never have been wrong. i'm thankful for the release that writing gives me, how it makes me feel as though i can finally make sense of my thoughts and put them down–which in truth is the reason i first started writing a diary. i'm thankful to be here writing these notes to you, because it means i'm listening to myself, and i'm thankful to recognize just how important that can truly be. 

- c (5/11/17).