(c)(10)

i’m thankful for the blankets keeping me warm as freezing rain falls out. but, i cannot say i’m thankful for the sudden change in temperature that has brought about this freezing rain.

i’m thankful to miss j. i’m thankful to know that he’ll be back, and yet to also feel a longing for him to return. i’m thankful for that feeling, one i’ve not had for very many people in my life. 

i’m thankful to have picked up s from the airport with j, who had come the day before—a fact i am less than thankful about. i’m thankful for the realization that comes with age that whenever someone introduces a significant other, the more appropriate name seems to be sexual partner. i’m thankful to recognize that that’s dehumanizing to say, and yet to feel some comfort in knowing that it is a real aspect of introducing one’s significant other; to come to terms with the sexuality of your friend (gay/straight/othr.) i’m thankful just to feel an awkwardness accepting this, and yet i recall in high school where i would encourage people to “empower themselves” or “don’t be afraid to tell him where to shove it!” and yet, there’s still something odd about meeting the person—especially when you know nothing of them (i.e. have not been previously introduced, maybe have an instagram profile pic.)

i’m thankful for how bad my jokes are because i know at least i can laugh at them. i’m thankful that j and i both tell horrible jokes, and yet that what we love about them. i’m thankful to remember on the metro today after i’d picked up s to have chuckled and mentioned flippantly that i was ‘dating a man my type.’ i’m thankful to laugh recalling how eager she was to agree, nodding a loud “MMmhm.” i’m thankful to be dating a man my type. (;

i’m thankful to still be lost. i’m thankful that’s absolutely terrifying—believe me i’m writing this afraid everything may be falling apart around me. i’m thankful to know that sometimes you can’t even feel gratitude for the most upsetting of circumstance (i.e. when it feels like it may all be falling apart.) i’m thankful to know this all is probably just because it’s late and i need to sleep. 

thank you

- c (3/14/17).