(ae)

i'm thankful for having walked a long way through the city in the heat, and for enjoying the wind that sometimes burst out around a corner, and for seeing bits of the city i'd not seen before, and the weird juxtapositions of architecture that exist here. i'm thankful for feeling tired, and so tired that my body isn't being anxious. i'm thankful for things that keep me busy and goal-directed, like walking a long way, working out the route as i go, because i know that a lot of my anxiety relates to not having something to occupy me, and instead directing my energy towards being full of panic. 

i'm thankful for cold showers. i'm thankful for having been more dripping with sweat than i've been in a long time, because reminders that the way i usually exist is not the only way i can exist are useful, and remind me that there are alternatives to the habits that i fall in to.

i'm thankful for getting better at understanding why i fall for people as i do - intermittently, but intensely - and why uncertainty about where i stand with someone makes me anxious. i'm thankful that i can remind myself that, while i've not been busy for a few weeks (which makes me more anxious), the person i've been anxious about is very busy, and that their not replying to a message for a while is not a sign that i've done something terrible. i'm thankful for recognising that my current infatuation is less about the person in question, and more about my brain need something to focus on and stress about. i'm thankful for seeing every new friendship and potential intrigue as an opportunity to discover something new, even if it doesn't end up going anywhere. 

i'm thankful for the metaphors i've used to describe my recent anxiety, which include being filled with bees, this bit from the simpsons, and this thing that seagulls do. i'm thankful for how being able to identify how i feel, and what it feels like, makes feeling anxious less overwhelming, and more like something that i have some grasp of. i'm thankful for close friends. i'm thankful for plans. i'm thankful for the rain that's coming. 

- ae (7/27/18).