9/25/17

i'm thankful that the nurse called me back at 4:56 pm on friday about my medication. i'm thankful that i had been listening to lorde on spotify on bluetooth headphones that were paired to both my phone and computer and when i saw that the number was my doctor's office (i'm both thankful and not thankful that the only number i know by sight besides my mom's and d's is my doctor's office) i turned off my headphones and picked up the phone. i'm thankful that i heard the nurse's voice on the other end of the phone and addressed her by name, but could still hear lorde playing in the background, either from my phone or computer or somewhere i couldn't place. i'm thankful to have said, as she started to ask me about my medication side effects, "sorry...do you hear that music?" and she said no and i said "it's so strange, i can hear this faint music and it won't turn off" and then quickly realized that this was the kind of thing a seriously mentally ill person would say when his doctor calls him about medication side effects, that he is hearing music that only he can hear. i'm thankful that eventually i figured out i needed to pause spotify on my computer and that stopped the music and i could actually have a conversation with her.

i'm thankful the nurse gave me instructions for stepping down the dosage on my current antidepressant and asked me to call the doctor back on monday to figure out what to do next. i'm thankful to have decided i'll ask to be referred to a psychiatrist, just to see if that person has more specific or specialized ideas about what to do, and i'm thankful that stepping down the dosage has seemed to help with my sleep and general sense of anxiety (i'm thankful that i have some monday morning dread today, but nothing like the intensity at which it hit the last few weeks). i'm thankful to hope i find something that works better but i'm thankful that even if i don't to not be taking something that makes things worse. i'm thankful to know that i have options and that i can advocate for myself, which is something that can be hard to do and which i used to be very bad at. 

i'm thankful that this weekend all the good TV was back and we watched it all. i'm thankful for the puzzle box of the season premiere of the good place, which took the ingenious promise of the first season and delivered on it even more. i'm thankful that d and i agreed after watching the premiere that we weren't sure where the show could go next but i'm thankful that that feeling is exactly what i want from a TV show sometimes. i'm thankful for the season premiere of nathan for you, in which he revisited people from previous episodes, and i'm thankful for the strange mix he does so perfectly of intensely awkward cringe comedy but with just enough bits of childish silliness and community and love (i'm thankful that the realtor from the first season who he rebranded the ghost realtor (who sells houses that have been exorcised of ghosts) has hung onto that identity). i'm thankful that we watched some of the first episode of neo yokio, which i want to watch more of.

i'm thankful for the black athletes and others who are kneeling against white supremacy and racist violence and oppression. i'm thankful for how powerful this simple act of protest is, how seeing photos or videos of these players kneeling together brought me to tears several times yesterday. i'm thankful for the videos of interviews with them in their locker rooms and at press conferences i watched. i'm thankful for one of the players who was brought to tears talking about the importance of speaking in his voice for people whose voices don't have the reach of his own. i'm thankful to hope more people join them in their act. i'm thankful for megaphones, literal and metaphorical. i'm thankful for black power.