9/19/17

i'm thankful that i don't feel terrible this morning, as i did yesterday morning. i'm thankful that i am not having a huge panic attack, as i was yesterday morning. i'm thankful that yesterday, despite feeling terrible and having a huge panic attack, i managed to still go to work and do a pretty good job of it. i'm thankful that though i felt very stupid and frustrated with myself and like i couldn't do anything right, which is challenging when your job is helping people to solve problems, i know i'm not stupid and i do right things all the time. i'm thankful that while my mental illness can be hard to live with, it's not debilitating, which i know is the case for lots of people. i'm thankful that after a while of feeling terrible, culminating in me sitting on the treadmill i was supposed to be running on with my head in my hands in between my knees, trying not to cry, it felt like maybe my antidepressant kicked in (or a feeling like when prozac was first working for me, a kind of tickle of light in my belly) and helped me feel not so terrible (though afterward, i felt kind of drained and out of it in a way that wasn't exactly pleasant, though definitely better than how i'd felt before). i'm thankful to hope it will continue to work and work better, since the prospect of having to go off it and go up on something else is something i dread.

i'm thankful that yesterday evening after work when i couldn't find anything that made me happy or felt good to do, i did some chores i had been putting off, with the thought that doing them might make me feel like i was accomplishing something and even if it didn't, it would be better to do the chores rather than aimlessly browsing on my phone as i had been doing, since when i felt better, i would then have more time to do things that actually made me happy. i'm thankful to have booked airport shuttle tickets for a work business trip in a few weeks. i'm thankful to have checked my credit report, since i have been getting some ominous alert emails about hard inquiries and etc., which i'd been ignoring even though i shouldn't have because i didn't want to take the time to find out the password and get into my account, and it turned out that the alert emails were meant for someone else and that my credit is very good, with no missed payments. i'm thankful to have bought a new filter for our vacuum cleaner. i'm thankful to have returned a few emails. i'm thankful to have sorted and folded several loads of laundry while listening to a podcast. i'm thankful for possibly the dorkiest photo of lou reed ever taken. i'm thankful for this meme about online validation.