9/19

back to starting every morning feeling a huge amount of dread, which i'm not thankful for, but i am thankful to think back to just a few weeks ago when that was blessedly not the case and to know that means that it's possible for me to get to a place again where it's not the case

to try to describe what dread feels like to me as a way of understanding it, i think i feel it like this ominous horror movie "i know the serial killer is around the corner and i know they're going to try to kill me but i don't know exactly how or when or where" vibe and that physically hangs in the upper part of my torso, like two hands on each of my shoulders and another one reaching around and pressing against my chest, a shuddering in my esophagus, and then this constant low level  rumble in my head

the knowledge that i can quit my job at any time i need to and we have money and i will be able to find another job

this job interview joke (https://twitter.com/danmentos/status/1174026663069224960?s=21)

the knowledge that i can take a sick day when i need to, even though the prospect taking a sick day just increases my dread since it means that i will be even more behind than i already feel

it's already thursday, even though that fact makes me feel so behind too, but that means we're close to the weekend and the possibility of not feeling like this for a while

trying to step outside of my expectations for myself and know that people generally think i'm doing a good job, even though the level of responsibility i feel for the decisions i make and the work i do feel like way more than they should be a lot of the time

that i started my work day from bed yesterday, which i don't usually do as a way of trying to draw boundaries between work and life, but which felt like a less scary way to get started, with d lying beside me softly sleeping

the privilege of being able to do that, and the many other privileges associated with the kind of work i do, like being able to be around miso all day, even though those privileges don't stop me from feeling dread

d is getting lots of leads and bites in her job search, which is great even though the process is so hard

breathing exercises even though they never do as much as i want them to

went on a run on my lunch break yesterday even though it was raining and there should be a break where i can do it today

our yard, which was so bleached with thirst since we'd moved in, has greened up 

prepackaged refrigerator tortellini

facetimed with my parents before dinner, even though i was feeling blah and wasn't super present on the call, since i know it's important to them

cleaning my glasses semi-regularly

the concord grapes d bought while i was out of town and didn't eat many of because she knows they're my favorite

sitting on the couch with D and relaxing

the biography of timothy leary by john higgs, which is such a fun and interesting read (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E63UW1E/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)

the act of writing to myself (and you) which always helps me feel a bit better

after raining hard most of the day the sun came up yesterday after work and i brought in the trash and recycling and compost bins

though miso just climbed into the bed with muddy paws, we have a washer and dryer