8/30/17

i'm thankful that yesterday is over, since it is the worst i have felt on the new medication (i'm thankful for the irony of me trying hard to get this new medication). i'm thankful that it was day 15 of the new medication and to posit that perhaps the reason i'm feeling the worst is that the concentration of fluoxetine was slow to drop in my blood (i'm thankful that at first i mistyped this as "flood," which feels accurate), such that last week i was getting both of the antidepressants but now i'm mostly just getting the new one and either it's not working because it doesn't work or because i'm not getting enough of it yet.

i'm thankful to know that all i can really do is wait and be hopeful, even though that sucks. i'm thankful that i let myself not run yesterday because i didn't feel like it (even though i worry that just contributed to my not feeling good later in the day) and instead took a long hot shower in the dark (i'm thankful to make myself run today). i'm thankful to have forgiven myself when instead of doing yoga, i laid on my yoga mat for a half hour looking at my phone. i'm thankful to have apologized to d for being generally irritable and shitty and to hope i will be less irritable and shitty today (or at least less shitty about my irritableness, if i can help that), even though i don't feel great already and the day is just starting.

i'm thankful that d's executive media training yesterday went really well. i'm thankful that she had a nice call with e last night and found out that e has a boyfriend now, her first real boyfriend i think, which is lovely. i'm thankful that though my vacation request got denied because too many people were off during the time i wanted to go, we found an alternate week that will hopefully work. i'm thankful that though i had some shitty customers who did not help the bad day i was already having, i also had some really nice ones who did. i'm thankful to have a new project at work that i'm excited about.

i'm thankful to have reread some of my struggle volume 4; i'm thankful that even when my brain is operating at a very low level i know i can read knausgaard, who is hypnotic and lulling in his slow concrete banality. i'm thankful that i have been trying to pay closer attention to my sleep hygiene, which is something i wasn't staying on top of last week. i'm thankful to feel for stevie (not that stevie, though i feel for her as well). i'm thankful to have run a poll. i'm thankful that playing guitar aimlessly makes me feel happy. i'm thankful for this video of some slime being blown into a bubble by an ocean breeze at sunset.