8/20/17

i'm thankful that though the side effects from my new antidepressant have worsened, they could be worse still (i'm thankful to hope that they will not become this way). i'm thankful to know rationally that the huge amount of terror and dread i suddenly felt yesterday evening about going to work today are exaggerated projections of my mind as its chemistry responds to the subtraction of one substance and the addition of another. i'm thankful to know that i am good at my job and that today will be fine. i'm thankful that waking up at 2am in a heavy sweat after having a horrible nightmare that involved traveling through walls as if they were portals like in harry potter except with a more cheever-esque magical realism vibe, i felt grateful for the number of times the past few years that i have not woken up at 2am in a cold sweat after a horrible nightmare. i'm thankful for my bluetooth earpiece, which i put in my ear backwards, the earpiece pointing out, so i could listen to a podcast at a volume low enough to not keep me awake but high enough that i could take solace in the words that were being said. i'm thankful that i fell asleep eventually and slept until it was time to wake up. i'm thankful to hope that i feel better today and to know that if i don't i will find a way through it. i'm thankful to be committed to giving this a chance to work, even though i know that might mean a lot of time dealing with feeling like this.

i'm thankful for the hilarious bit about gossip girl on episode 3 of insecure and in general for the sex scenes, which are some of the funniest yet realest on TV. i'm thankful, in another attempt for me to get into one of the cartoons that everybody loves and that don't do anything for me but which i want to do something for me, we watched an episode of rick and morty, which we found entertaining and sometimes funny but too visually gross (the various drooling and vomiting and etc.) for us to return to it. i'm thankful to have bonded with d about our shared disgust at the disgusting in animation for children, an extended discussion that careened from ren & stimpy to ah! real monsters to hey arnold. i'm thankful that when we were kids i had a ren doll (you pulled his plastic outie belly button to make him talk) and my brother had a stimpy doll (you pulled a cloth hairball to make him talk) and am thankful to realize in hindsight that these two characters perfectly symbolize the differences between our respective personalities, both then and now and probably forever. i'm thankful as an eternal ren to have always felt jealous of those who can be stimpy.